Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.
Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.
59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.
If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.
What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.
Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.
I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.
Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.
One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs.
Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.
If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.
I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.
There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.
I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?
It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.
Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.
Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.
I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.
Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.
Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.
I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.
The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.
I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.
There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.
The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea.
People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.
Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?
Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.
Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.
I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.
The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.