Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
Competition is the death of art.
Corn is the only food you hold like corn.
Life imitates art but art intimidates life.
Being funny is not the same as being happy.
That which does not kill you isn't finished.
My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.
The average permanent lasts about four months.
Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.
I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.
Why do old people drive with their mouths open?
When homeless people go camping, how do they know?
I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.
Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.
I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!
Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.
I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.
When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.
There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.
I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.
Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?
I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.
I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.
Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.
Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?
I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.
You have an obligation to challenge your fans and your viewers.
I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?
I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me!
When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.
Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.
That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.
If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?
Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
There's a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly.
Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.
I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.
Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.
This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.
Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.
My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.
The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.
If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?
The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.
The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.
In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.