Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I never read the tabloids.
I'm a real people-pleaser.
I'm more of a people pleaser.
I always grew up with, 'Question authority.'
Please, O ye Lord, keep Jim Bakker behind bars.
If I only ran when nothing hurt, I would never run.
If she were a President, she'd be Babe-raham Lincoln!
Am I not turtley enough for the Turtle Club? Turtle! Turtle!
I was not in 'Iron Man 2,' but I take a daily iron supplement.
I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.
While many comics have a secret persona, I fundamentally want to be myself.
You know, Elizabeth Taylor must be in Heaven going, 'Alright, fire two honey!'
I think ABC sort of hoped I would be really like Carol Burnett. I mean literally, I think.
I really enjoy being a dad, and maybe I took it too seriously, but I love being around my kids.
Corporate stand-up allowed me to make my own schedule and make money as if I was in show business.
I don't find biology as interesting as politics and humanism. I talk more about existential stuff.
If you just kind of live a regular life and make good 'Hollywood' money, you have a certain freedom.
When people come to see my stand-up, they get a chance to see my characters interact with each other.
I have a theory that if you're famous more years than you're not famous, then you get a little nutty.
You know ladies and gentlemen, a long time ago , there were lots of people, but that was a long time ago
That's why modern corporate movie making has become so laborious that comedians are kind of kicked out by 50.
I got lucky. I won the San Francisco Stand-Up Comedy Competition in 1977 while I was still at San Francisco State.
Well, I loved variety in television, I loved sketch comedy. At 'Saturday Night Live,' I stayed almost seven years.
I did a lot of ridiculous television. Between 1980 and '85 I had no confidence, so I did everything I was told to do.
A mom and dad found an S&M magazine under their 10-year-old son's bed, and the dad said, 'Well, we sure can't spank him.'
I always tend to think of all of my shows as possibly my last show. I'm like a junior Springsteen, without the underbite.
You know, sometimes you can't just take an armadillo, put it in the barn, light it on fire and expect it to make licorice.
Describing comic sensibility is near impossible. It's sort of an abstract silliness, that sometimes the joke isn't the star.
I enjoy pushing my characters to the limit. No matter how far out there I go, I look for things that make the characters human.
Every celebrity in the world, if their movie bombs or whatever, they hold their kid up on a magazine and say, 'I'm really a dad.'
I have this dream life where I get to be a celebrity but I get to navigate the world fairly easily because I'm always in character.
I've never really worked on them. Just once in a while one hits me and makes me laugh. My Al Gore was sort of like a gay Gomer Pyle.
I remember doing a comedy show with Jim Carrey once, and he was out there with his foot behind his neck and rubbing his face with it.
If you live in New York or L.A., and you're liberal, and you're playing to a liberal crowd, it's almost like a rally... it's not edgy.
I have this dream life where I get to be a celebrity but I get to kind of navigate the world fairly easily because I'm always in character.
I'm a friend of the CEO of Twitter and he showed me how to be on it, but it causes such an uproar if what you post is perceived in a negative light.
I did a sitcom with Desi Arnaz Jr. in a pilot called 'Whacked Out.' We were bombing, and Lucille Ball grabbed the mic and started berating the audience.
The kind of money that show business will pay you, unless you need to have shoes made of diamonds, you can actually put it in the bank and sort of be okay.
My characters all start with rhythms and sounds. Once I hear the voice and get into the rhythm, the attitude and the physicality just come out on their own.
I couldn't do any of my other characters, you know? But I could have done the lady. Church Lady's Malibu Beach party is an idea I have for a movie, too. Yes.
I think free speech is probably the coolest thing we have in this country, and again, you can label it hate speech and dismiss it, and then you're allowed to censor it.
It's almost like he's started to sound even more exotic the more people started doing him. I don't know why, but there's just something about Al Gore that makes me laugh.
I tried to go out for theater or theater arts, but I was too scared or too intimidated. But I had a lot of friends on the cross country team that had great senses of humor.
There's always been a confusion about my sensibility. 'Is he kind of edgy, or is he Carol Burnett?' I'm a little bit of a hybrid. I like to please, but I like dark stuff, too.
I know it's a cliche, but the whole family is just whacked. I mean, we're all out of our minds. They're the funniest, most eccentric bizarre people I've ever met, my siblings.
I recently found out about this other super movie star. He only works from about 11:00 to 4:00, so all his movies take like 120 days. But this was a lot of stuff to do in 35 days.
After years of begging, I got my parents to get me a little Craig tape recorder, a reel to reel. Then I started recording voices, or recording Jonathan Winters off television and stuff like that.
I had auditioned for 'Saturday Night Live' two or three times before and never really saw myself there. I looked up to Belushi and Bill Murray and Aykroyd and I never saw myself as in their world.
In maybe 1963, we had 'Collier's Encyclopedia,' and they sent us their yearly LP. I heard the Beatles talking on there. That was the first time I tried altering my voice, doing a Liverpudlian accent.
The two things that can hurt you are if you need money or if you need fame. Those are the things that can be your Achilles heel. But if you don't need money and you don't need fame, then you're free.