Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato.
The 'Star Wars' movie is coming out. Disney has kept the details of the movie under wraps because they're not Sony.
A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself.
It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.
I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.
According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They've been reading my email.
I think in our desire to create a better America,we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling.
Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.
I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die.
I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school.
I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.
I know that's not the right accent, but I can't do the right accent. It's either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke.
That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots.
This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.
There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.
From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?
Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah.
The White House announced plans to begin normalizing relations with Cuba - this as we're awkwardizing relations with Russia.
Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.
The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men.
If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.
Don't protest outside of a rich man's house in the daytime, you'll just scare the maid, and that's Arnold Schwarzenegger's job.
She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy. I do have a knack for finding great women.
I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.
They say give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he'll get his own show on the Discovery Channel.
Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love.
You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own.
Ros was dead. He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall.
A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I'm outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?
They've found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you're eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns.
People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth.
Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don't know what that means, maybe you're a little out of touch - or maybe you're the governor of Arizona.
Insiders say Obama's pretty comfortable around actors. He should be. He has been 'acting' like he was born in Hawaii for a long time.
The truth is, you win the Lotto. That's really how you have to approach it. You're a lottery winner when you get a sitcom and it goes.
Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.
Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I've got to change stuff. Then I'm not doing it.
You should never protest outside a rich guy's home during the day because he's not there. He's at work grinding the faces of the poor.
If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.
The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It's camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it.
I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like,'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.
I don't know much about the Supreme Court. If it's anything like the Supreme Taco, it's like a regular court, but with extra sour cream.
A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I'm not going to do anything. I'm going as Congress.
Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus.
Thank heaven Election Day is over. No more campaign ads, no more mud-slinging, no more candidates pretending they're straight. It's over!
It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things - a bachelor's degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan.
If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out. I'm gone.
Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there's no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.
If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.
Ocean's 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn't want to see that? Well you, apparantly, 'cause you're watching me.