Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Much of television has been homogenized in the desire to avoid annoying or upsetting people.
New iPod. It looks like an iPhone but it can't make phone calls. So its really just an iPhone.
If you know anything about me - and, if you do, I'm sorry that your life turned out like that.
I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing me.
I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.
I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.
I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane.
It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television.
I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.
I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.
The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.
You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.
I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that.
Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.
There's something spiritual in hard work. Spirituality isn't all aromatherapy and scented candles.
Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, They still have a van?
Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I'm kidding. No one watches CNN.
Technically my dog's naked most of the time. Except halloween, when I dress him up as Liza Minelli.
That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.
The three drunkest cities in America: Fresno, Riverside, and whatever Mel Gibson is driving through.
I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!
The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.
A woman in Germany gave birth to a 13 1/2 pound baby. That baby was so fat his first word was strudel.
You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species.
A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre.
I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV.
I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love.
Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane.
The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.
I don't drink anymore for Cinco de Mayo. I celebrate with Mexican food, or as it's known in Mexico: 'food.'
A number of U.S. colleges are going to start having dorms for alcoholics. I believe those are called dorms.
Apple released the upgraded version of the iPhone 4, called the iPhone 4S. I think the S stands for suckers.
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.
Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it's true. I read it on Wikipedia.
I hope what I do has an art to it, and as an artist you have to try new things and keep yourself entertained.
Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.
HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it.
A lot of the U.S. used to be part of Mexico, including Arizona. But they're a bit touchy about that right now.
Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way.
From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street.
People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid.
I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.
I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.
Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can't tell, of course, because of the Botox.
Even though it's warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers - at least until their plastic surgery heals.
For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course - steroids
At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.
I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.
There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.