Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie.
I'm not aware of having a creepy laugh, but apparently I do.
It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?
The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.
A junkie will steal your purse, and then help you look for it.
I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.
After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.
I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I'm lost.
Laughter separates us from despair and gives us a chance at love.
Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera doesn't it?
If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.
If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in.
I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.
The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.
Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!
I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.
....maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.
If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof.
Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies.
I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important.
With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.
Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.
It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.
Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.
Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know
Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one.
You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.
Change is the law of God's mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain.
I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater.
Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012
I've got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now.
Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.
It's all about the triumph of intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism.
I do a public access show with puppets. Puppets called actors, TV and movie stars.
Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.
If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it!
I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.
That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.
Bush's memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.
What we do have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the Shawshank Redemption of late night!
I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic - or a good one depending on your point of view.
Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you'll make it.
I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction... And the only customer.
The rain is giving much needed relief to California's crops. By that I mean 'marijuana.'
All they teach you in drama school is how to do stage fights and be a pain in rehearsals.
When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.
Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat. Fried food and cigarettes.
I would prefer as a viewer to watch the mistakes. I am my own blooper reel, as it happens.
Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut.