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They say there are only two kinds of people on St. Patrick's Day: the Irish, and the people that drive them home.
Marijuana plants were found near bin Laden's compound, which explains why bin Laden's last words were, 'Dude... '
There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?
The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.
In the Year 2000 the discovery of extraterrestrial life will create a revolution in science, art, and pornography.
When it comes to being visionary in stealing, the Republicans do better than anybody. It's really something to see.
Hillary Clinton is now driving from New York to Iowa. It's been called the least-exciting spring break trip in history.
Happy Cinco de Mayo! It’s a holiday that’s as respectful of Mexican traditions as Epcot Center’s Mexican food pavilion.
The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.
Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink mid-price Chardonnay at 11 in the morning.
In Montana, a math teacher is running for the Senate. Win or lose, she plans on demanding a recount because math is fun.
Sarah Palin gave a speech in South Korea. Just what the Koreans needed: Two crazy dictators in fashionable lady's glasses.
According to a brand new report, alcohol abuse in Ireland is on the rise. Mainly because the guy who didn't drink now does.
Over the weekend, Vladimir Putin scored eight goals during a hockey game. It happened just after he had the goalie executed.
I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it too.
Some scientists want to replace the handshake with the fist bump. Others want to replace the fist bump with the 'tush push.'
There's good random, and there's bad random. There's good silly and there's bad silly, and you've gotta know the difference.
This week Apple stores are holding free computer programming classes for children. Or as that's called in China, a job fair.
Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here's the bad news. You just wasted it listening to this joke.
George Clooney says he's had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy.
Thousands of legal and illegal immigrants staged what they called a Day Without Immigrants. Or, as it's known in Utah, Monday.
Jeb Bush welcomed his fourth grandchild. The new Bush grandchild is happy, healthy, and will be running for president in 2048.
According to a new poll, nearly six out of 10 Republicans want Mitt Romney to run for president. So do 10 out of 10 Democrats.
When reached for comment on the charges, Martha didn't say much, (only) that a subpoena should be served with a nice appetizer.
Trump Entertainment Resorts declared Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Or as Donald Trump describes Chapter 11, "Back-to-back number ones!"
Jeb Bush admitted that he smoked a notable amount of pot in school. He said, 'You would too if your parents had named you 'Jeb.'
Nietzsche famously said "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger." But what he failed to stress is that it almost kills you.
Donald Trump announced today he is running for president of the United States. Traditionally that means six more weeks of comedy.
Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump's supporters - all of whom are late night comedians.
Tomorrow is Election Day. That's the day we Americans wake up, consider our options, and then remember we didn't register to vote.
The hockey lockout of 1994 - 1995 has been settled. They have stopped bickering... and can now get down to some serious bloodshed!
For the first time since 2007, the FDA Has approved a new device to treat obesity. The amazing breakthrough is called a vegetable.
Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq
Michele Bachmann said she wants her three daughters to learn to shoot a gun. Mostly so they can put her campaign out of its misery.
In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani.
The TSA is under fire for major security lapses. The TSA has let through pipe bombs, knives, and the last three Nicolas Cage movies.
A store in Houston is selling Donald Trump piñatas filled with candy. So finally something good is going to come out of Donald Trump.
Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'
Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.
NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew The Apprentice. So some good may come out of this.
Geraldo Rivera says Osama bin Laden is hiding out in Pakistan ... which means the most hated man in Afghanistan is now Geraldo Rivera.
Analysts say Obama's new immigration plan will focus on deporting violent criminals. So, this could impact your fantasy football team.
A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, 'I had more leg room in the womb.'
At the state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao, Hu opened a fortune cookie that said, 'You will lend us another trillion dollars.'
According to a CNN poll, Trump nearly doubled his support from March. Actually, he just combed his March numbers over his current ones.
Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. The marathon was won in record time by a Democrat candidate running away from President Obama.
In the midterm elections, a 102-year-old woman voted for the first time in a U.S. election. Unfortunately, she voted for Woodrow Wilson.
Earlier today, President Bush said Kerry will be a tough and hard-charging opponent. That explains why Bush's nickname for Kerry is math.
Today Donald Trump reaffirmed his stance against gay marriage. Trump said marriage is between a rich guy and his much younger third wife.
In the Year 2000 due to the declining number of champions in the world, Wheaties will change its slogan to 'Breakfast of Sexual Deviants.