Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.
Keep cool my babies.
I have an abacus at home.
Fish recognize a bad leader.
I'd kill for 'somewhat frosty.'
Link Wray is the all-time legend.
I dont need a pardon. I need a job.
Spread your hate. It'll last a lifetime.
Dropkick Murphys, everybody! That's a band!
When all else fails there's always delusion.
It's a mistake to read. Television is the only way.
Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.
Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer.
Being a Dad is the greatest, except for assembling things.
Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.
I'm shocked to find out we still sell something people want.
Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42.
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
I'll say I'm happy doing my thing. No one says 'no comment' anymore.
Today Facebook went public, just as Myspace's last user went private.
Once you discover white paint, you'll never wash your underwear again.
I picked out my Halloween costume. I’m going as 'Slutty Madeleine Albright.'
The Olympics have just started and the Greeks are already 14 medals in debt.
My favorite comedy is comedy where nothing is achieved and there is no point.
Though you should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it.
I hate cynicism - it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere.
Over-thinking in your brain is anathema to the process of thinking on your feet.
St.Patrick's Day is named for St. Patrick, the first guy to feed Guinness to a snake.
CNN’s Rick Sanchez said the Jews run CNN. Ah, so that’s who we blame for Rick Sanchez.
There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized.
No charm, no humor, no wit -- and a personality which can only be described as 'icky.' .
If Sony's not going to show 'The Interview,' that's it. No more North Korean movies for me.
California had its first medical marijuana job fair. Over 2 million people meant to show up.
I can't wait for the Republican debates to start and there's literally 65 guys on one stage.
San Francisco is the only city in America where marijuana is legal but plastic bags are not.
I think in future people will take television in eyedrop form. All media will be in eyedrops.
Today, Angelina Jolie met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Long story short: She adopted him.
It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique.
I hear YouTube, Twitter and Facebook are merging to form a super Social Media site - YouTwitFace.
People should say 'no comment' more often. No comment! I love no comment. Let's have more no comment.
If you can really laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk.
Let’s just agree any group of 3 or more handsome British men should be referred to as a 'cumberbatch.'
Don't be cynical; it leads nowhere. If you work hard, and are kind, amazing things will happen to you.
It's a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy.
In the Year 2000 men will finally discover that the reason women go to the bathroom in pairs... is to make out.
Iran may have attacked ISIS. Do you know how long it's been since I have been able to wear my "Go Iran" T-shirt?
'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him.
President Obama has pledged $3 billion to aid poor nations. All of that $3 billion is going to the United States.
In China, people are selling their kidney to buy an iPhone 6. What's going to happen when the iPhone 7 comes out?
Some McDonald's restaurants are taking reservations on Valentine's Day. They are getting a lot of tables for one.
