Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I was a class clown.
My name has zero value.
Everybody's funny in different ways.
I always wanted to write as much as perform.
I write all the time - I write poetry, I love to write
I'm not a big method actor. I'm much more superficial.
The earth is a used Kleenex on the universe's nightstand.
Those early days of comedy are when you get addicted to it.
I think everyone should own six guns, even though I don't own any.
The only people who like to live alone more than comics are priests.
It was tumultuous, it was crazy, but I would not trade it for anything.
Everybody's got a different sense of humor. It's just different styles.
With comedians, you have that understanding that we're trying to get laughs.
I'm just another guy who thinks he's smarter than he is, in a long line of them.
Stand-up is live, so I'm used to being live for most of my career. It's interesting.
People say history was written by the winners. No, it wasn't. It was written by the bullies.
Somehow, it was so happy a time. Those early days of comedy are when you get addicted to it.
I think if you try to tailor your act to anybody, you end up with an act that doesn't work anyway.
I'm always working on stuff. But they never materialize. I'm always working on movies and TV shows.
I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her.
I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.
You can’t make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.
You can't make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.
I'm quietly becoming New York's premiere actor. People don't understand. They have me pigeon-holed as a comedian.
That’s the beauty of being a comedian: it’s the one job you’re allowed to do that. We’re lucky. We’re really lucky.
That's the beauty of being a comedian - it's the one job you're allowed to do that. We're lucky. We're really lucky.
I know nowadays the common wisdom is to celebrate diversity as long as you don't point out that people are different.
I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be.
I don't know any comedian who tailors his act to his audience. Maybe people say they do, but I can't even imagine them.
You can't make money on Broadway. You make nothing. You maybe make like $1,350 a week after you pay out all the producers.
People's - most people's job is talking about the future or like money not even in the present tense. It's not even paper.
Everybody says before reviews come out, 'Oh, reviews don't matter,' just in case they're bad; everyone want to brace themselves.
People say history is boring, and that is true because people are boring. We haven't changed since time began. We're still the same.
Well... you know, I would wake up with a terrible hangover in a jail somewhere and worst part was that I would not know why I was there.
My stand-up act? I combine the fact that the world is a violent place with the fact that each person is responsible for the situation they are in.
I would say most comedians have a very cynical worldview of the way the world can work. It's almost like if you didn't, you couldn't be a comedian.
Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult.
I love people, I love studying people more than history. So whatever situation I see, then I look at, what were the people like, more than history itself.
He is very dry but also very funny... I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be.
I've been to Japan, I've been to China, I've been to Africa, I've been to the Middle East, I've been to Europe a little bit. I've never been to South America.
So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation.
The mistake that people make in stand-up is thinking they're profound or they're deep when there are so many people who have more worthwhile ways of phrasing things.
I think I identify more with the smart guy, but most people might take umbrage at that. I like to think of myself as a real thinker, but I suppose people might beg to differ.
The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either.
If I had to give up everything else and keep just one aspect of the job, I'd have to keep writing because I love it. Yes, I enjoy performing, too. But I couldn't give up writing material.
Marie Antoinette was funny, I'm sure she was just misinterpreted. You know the 'Let them eat cake' line. She seems like she was kind of funny, like a Chelsea Handler or Kathy Griffin type.
You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it.
A weird sort of awareness set in, like, 'Wow. My standup isn't just separate from everything else I do anymore.' With Twitter and Face book, everything is universal that everything everybody says gets seen.
A weird sort of awareness set in, like, 'Wow. My stand-up isn't just separate from everything else I do anymore.' With Twitter and Face book, everything is universal that everything everybody says gets seen.
For the most part, comedians are pretty friendly with each other. They always say they badmouth each other, but most of the time, they're friends. We're the only ones that can really stand our type of humor.