Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Step up or step aside.
Born free. Taxed to death.
Jealousy - the Auschwitz of emotions.
Benadryl - the seven-dollar babysitter.
Pope John Paul didn't die - he pre-boarded.
Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester.
God bless America. But God, please help Canada.
I have a dream! Because I have lived a nightmare.
My parents' divorce settlement involved a bar tab.
The normal make a living. The deranged make history.
Sisters ruin everything. It's in their job description.
Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett.
I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.
Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation.
Oh yeah, I'm mentally screwed up for life. But I look good.
I don't tell people I'm white anymore - I'm albino-Cambodian.
I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.
I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn't met yet.
If at first you don't succeed, then drag racing isn't for you.
For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.
Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!
Japan is the perfect example of make plans, and watch God laugh.
My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated.
We don't have home movies in my family. We have people's exhibit A.
Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.
If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend!
I lost 28 pounds in my divorce... because that's what a soul weighs.
Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.
Sometimes, to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony.
You don't get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.
Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies.
In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink.
Does anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off and didn't die?
Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize!
If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man.
We are brought into this world cold, weak, and helpless. Then it gets worse.
No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.
Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family.
Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on.
The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman.
Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.
My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect.
I'm the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.
They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.
How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.
We're looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light.
Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.
A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.