Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
It used to take years to become a junkie. But crack cut that down to 37 minutes.
You could be married and bored or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness nowhere.
I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.
White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "gun"? Congressional hearing.
It's hard for a man to turn down sex... if they chase us, we can't run that fast.
You can't be happy that fire cooks your food and be mad it burns your fingertips.
No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.'
You can't think the thoughts you want to think if you think you're being watched.
Men are handicapped when it comes to arguing, 'cause we have a need to make sense.
If poor people knew how rich rich people are, there would be riots in the streets.
Not a Harvard-type education, just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education.
Unlike flying or astral projection, walking through walls is an earthbound pursuit.
I can't cook, but I have a nice book of menus... and I can plate and set the table.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
You only know that you're smart because you're around dumb people from time to time!
Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.
The government doesn't want you to use YOUR drugs, they want you to use THEIR drugs.
I want my name to be a brand in comedy. I hope my name stands for comedic excellence.
Women need food, water, and compliments That's right. And an occasional pair of shoes.
Stand-up comedy is like the lowest medium in all of show business in levels of respect.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
When I do something good, the audience lets me know immediately. They laugh. That's it.
No matter what happens or how difficult things become, you will eventually feel better.
If you see a black woman with an overweight white man, you know she got effed up credit!
The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.
I think it’s better to have ideas. You can change an idea; changing a belief is trickier.
You don't pay taxes; they take them from your check. That's not a payment - that's a 'jack.
Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"
You can't fake comedy - it's not like a movie, where a director can just cast a pretty face.
I'll go with the guy with one house. The guy with one house is scared about losing his house.
It's easier to get on show business, the hard part is to maintain. Nobody stays famous forever.
People are the same wherever you go. And if they weren't, they wouldn't laugh at the same s**t.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I pride myself on being the guy who can do Def Comedy Jam and Charlie Rose. And do well on both.
You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.
A black man will be elected President of the United States. I'm sorry, that's in the year 10,000.
Happy white peoples independence day the slaves weren't free but I'm sure they enjoyed fireworks.
The only plan I have is to not do anything I don't want to do - and to never work just for money.
My kids don't have a trust fund, they have a debt fund. Oh my God, they're $4 million in the hole.
Sometimes people offer you plays, they offer you parts, but they only offer it because I'm famous.
Most parts in comedy, they're not really written for men. They're written for, like, these boy-men.
Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.
Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.
When you're doing a big-budget movie and you're four on the call sheet, you've got a lot of free time.
I'll go back to comedy clubs when they get a real no-camera policy, the same way they did with smoking.
When you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative.
I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.
Hollywood's racist. Hollywood is sorority racist. It's like - we like you, Rhonda, but you're not a Kappa.
We got no wealthy black people. We got rich people. Shaq is rich. The guy who signs his checks is wealthy.
After I left high school and got my GED, I studied broadcast journalism for a year at a community college.