Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.
I see as white people finding loopholes in the slavery laws.
Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life.
Gas is getting so expensive I'm gonna ride a mexican to work.
If I find a comedy club where no one's camera works, I'll go.
Nobody really wants to be a stand-up, they want to get on TV.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?
If you're the president you only have two jobs: peace and money.
For the most part, comedy is the only fair part of show business.
Being with my kids is the best, most fun thing; it's a privilege.
If Bill Gates woke up with Oprah's money he'd jump out the window.
We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed.
A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
If you live below your means, you can turn down stuff all the time.
Women can have all the evidence but they still want the confession.
America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach.
I literally don't know what I'm going to do next. That's successful.
A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.
If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner.
I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan!
Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.
Everything's funny - in the right context and done by the right person.
Movies have takes. But plays are like life - you don't really get takes.
Tomorrow is more sure than just about anything else in the entire world.
School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.
Comedians are the one who have to tell the emperor he has no clothes on.
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'
If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail!
I'd like to be in a Spike Jonze movie. But I live in a Nancy Meyers movie.
The two best things you can do for a person is have sex or make them laugh.
I love seeing black people do normal things, being judged as normal people.
See, the Black man gotta fly to get to something the white man can walk to.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense
Emotional affairs, those are the only real affairs; those are the real ones.
If your work is so smart that only smart people get it, it's not that smart.
Babies don't know who's rich and who's poor. You love 'em and they're happy.
I'm never proper or careful, but I never curse in front of my mother, either.
A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.
Bill Cosby was the first comedian I was exposed to, because he doesn't curse.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Why do people do yoga? To clear their minds? I embrace the clutter in my head.
I'm a nerd. I'm a little guy... the last guy you'd expect in a romantic movie.
Here's what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor.
When you make drama you are like Picasso. Drama is whatever you want it to be.
Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.
When you're white, the sky's the limit. When you're black, the limit's the sky.
Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.