Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.
I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.
Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.
How do you think jail was?! I got face raped by a woman... and I think I may have liked it.
I don't cook... I don't know how to clean... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.
The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.
I'm not going to blow up just for the sake of it, because it's on TV. That's not the issue.
There's times where you think, 'Gosh, what if nobody ever wants to hear what I have to say?'
I like the minute when I can get off the stage and go home, and I know I've done a good job.
A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.
When you interview celebrities, they're so guarded so many times, they can't reveal anything.
I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.
I'm a late-night host that doesn't want to be tied down by time or television or even hosting.
You can't fast-forward heartbreak, and you can't rewind love - and that's just one big bummer.
I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.
I don't think I'm a good host. I'm not a good host. I'm terrible at hosting. That's my problem.
My standup is observational, but it's self-observational, and it's self-deprecating, definitely.
You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you.
Everything isn't permanent, so don't pretend that it is. Everything's supposed to move and shift.
People are following me because they want to see pictures of me. So why is Instagram editing them?
The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.
If you're a member of my family, whether immediate or extended, and you want to see my show, don't.
In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.
I don't want to be Oprah [Winfrey], I'm not trying to be Barbara Walters, but we can all do better.
Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.
There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.
It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.
Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.
Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. It's rewarding.
That's my biggest struggle, is maintaining a personal romantic relationship. It takes a lot of effort.
I think bullying of anybody, whether they're gay or straight or anything in high school is unbearable.
If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.
It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus.
I'm a devilish kind of person, but I embrace it. I don't try to fight it. It's proven very well for me.
I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking.
I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
That just sends the wrong message to everybody. [Donald Trump] should have the least amount of air time.
I have been on a life-long search of how to stay in shape without putting any effort into it whatsoever.
I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.
My position as the best-selling author at E! is secure - unless Salman Rushdie develops a show with them.
If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong.
I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that.
Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.
If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life.
Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.
I've never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost.
I don't think the problem is telling people you're on a diet. The problem is eating ice cream for breakfast.