Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Food can be mean to me, but I love it anyway.
Your hair is so white now it can talk back to the police.
You have to put work into relationships to keep them fun.
Feels right to have a woman follow President Obama, doesn't it?
I grew up on 'S.N.L.,' doing all the sketches on the playground.
I'm generally happier and more easy going when it's warm outside.
People have confused playing devil's advocate with being intelligent.
What can I say about Brian Williams. Nothing, because I work for NBC.
I like Instagram - I love pictures, I just dont take them very often.
I solemnly swear not to talk about Hillary's appearance, because that is not journalism.
Paris is so beautiful. Mr. President, you should really think about going there sometime.
I actually graduated from the Chicago Academy for the Arts. I think John Cusack did as well.
I was voted funniest person in my middle-school yearbook. So I guess I was funny in middle school?
I'm also the first straight woman to host this in 20 years, so, we finally made it, straight people.
It sounds so cliched, but I've always been kind of different. I always liked being around weird kids.
I'm not high maintenance, and I'm not into a highly manicured man. I don't want to see a lot of hair product.
Extra-dirty vodka Martinis - they're so easy to drink! I should really just drink olive juice; it'd be safer.
I've been slightly hypoglycemic since I was a kid, so I have to make sure I eat in the morning and get my sugar.
I went [to Hobby Lobby] this morning and bought the cutest little wicker basket to hold all my morning-after pills.
I love so many cheeses. I like them hard and soft. I like cream cheese; I like cottage cheese... I'm a true Midwesterner.
I love people who aren't embarrassed. I'm always embarrassed, so it's always astonishing to me when people aren't like that.
There's so much more bad information than good information out there - everybody's got something to say and it's usually wrong.
If something awkward happens, laugh. I don't think I've ever dated a guy who couldn't laugh - even in bed, during intimate times.
Usually I'll just eat popcorn, but if theaters would sell me goat cheese and garlic with Triscuit crackers, I'd give them all my money.
When I write on 'SNL,' I've found I'm most productive while collaborating and joking with friends and not being firmly attached to any one idea.
My parents are really funny. Laughter was a big part of my childhood. Of course, they tell a lot of bad jokes - but so do I. I tell a lot of bad jokes.
My drama instructor suggested I try comedy. I was resistant at first because I considered myself a serious actor, but of course I fell in love with it.
I love New York, but I don't like how it smells like hot pee and garbage in the summer. I feel like Chicago isn't that way. Maybe I'm just being romantic.
I'd like to be reincarnated as a French tart. They're so beautiful and delicate - they're like my opposite. I'm more of a comfort food: goat cheese with garlic.
I think of myself as kind of a hippy. Everyone around me says that's not the impression they get. They think I'm sassy. Apparently, I think I'm nicer than I really am.
I always feel the most validated and confident being around people that I find funny - having Fred Armisen laugh at a scene or Bill Hader or Seth Meyers give me a compliment.
I'm a huge Bulls fan. I like an emotional backstory while watching sports. In my mind, all the players on the Bulls are really nice, decent guys. Especially that Derrick Rose.
I worked in a coffee shop called Buzz Cafe in Oak Park. I started when I was 14 or 15, washing dishes, and then I became a barista and sometimes waited tables. It was an artsy scene.
There have been some terrible winters in Chicago, where it feels like I'm literally being punched in the face, and everyone walks around looking stunned like they've just witnessed a murder.
Let's give it up for the Secret Service. I don't want to be too hard on those guys. You know, because they're the only law enforcement agency that will get in trouble if a black man gets shot.
I've never been an impressionist. I was doing Sofia Vergara and Elizabeth Dole. I'm sometimes so low-confidence and self-aware, so characters that are confident and ignorant and wrong are my favorite.
If you're a nerd, just be a nerd. That's way better than a nerd who's trying to be a hipster. And if you are going to tell jokes, don't direct them at other people. Not only is it not funny, but it's also mean.
I think I'm always inspired by really, really funny, amazing women, but I'm also inspired by really funny, amazing men. I think there's more of a feminist voice, like with Amy Schumer being out right now, whom I adore.
I loved 'SNL' growing up, and I would trick my babysitter into letting me stay up to watch it. My family would rent Marx brothers' movies and Monty Python episodes, and we watched 'In Living Color', 'The State', and 'Strangers with Candy'.
The founders of Snapchat last year turned down a $3 billion offer from Facebook and a $4 billion offer from Google. It was a surprising show of integrity from the guys who invented the app that lets you look at pictures of boobs for five seconds.
I'm not high maintenance, and I'm not into a highly manicured man. I don't want to see a lot of hair product. If he's too showy, that's embarrassing to me - I wear makeup and take showers, but that's basically it. I'm not trying to stand out too much.
Hillary has her work cut out for her. Her Democratic challengers are a 'Who's Who' of 'who's that?' Jim Webb, Lincoln Chafee, Silas Phelps, Peter Wilks... now those last two were characters from The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. You didn't even notice, did you?
Impressions are still kind of hard for me and not what I love to do the most, but with characters, I think there's an element of fearlessness. You try to figure out the best reading and wording of the jokes before the show, and then you just really have to go hard.
I don't have the most confidence in the world, and I'd venture to say most women in comedy don't come from a place of, 'Oh, I'm fabulous!' She's just as nervous as you are. So if you're trying to score with a funny girl, laugh at her jokes and tell her how hilarious she is.
I got my degree in acting and theater, and then I had a teacher who told me to take a class with The Groundlings. And for a second, I thought, 'Well, I don't know about that. I'm a serious actress.' And then I did, and I loved it, and I said, 'Ah, well, I guess this is what I'm going to do now.'
I think women have always been funny. But when Tina Fey became head writer at 'Saturday Night Live,' the culture shifted, and women gained a bigger voice in comedy. It's not as if Hollywood producers are feminists. It's more that Hollywood said, ''Bridesmaids' made us so much money, all we want now is funny women.'