Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The beauty of comedy is, when people come to a comedy club, there is a certain veil of reality suspended.
I'm afraid of being poor; I'm afraid of living in the projects... I'm afraid of being thought as unsuccessful.
I get really nervous at auditions. I know how to make people laugh, but auditions just really make me nervous.
When I was young and didn't have money, I liked gambling because winning and losing was fun for the rush of it.
That's not news! When a shark comes out of the water, walks into a 7-11, and bites you in the ass, then it's news!
Here's the problem: People have completely and utterly forgotten one thing when it comes to communication - intent.
I was only 20, 21. I was basically going to college to get me out of the ghetto. A friend suggested I try stand-up.
I don't want to go on stage with anger. And that's why I worked so hard to look within and change myself and evolve.
I grew up poor. The fact that I had to struggle to succeed, that wasn't a big deal to me. I'd struggled my whole life.
The United States of America on our worst day is better than any other country on their best day. Period. End of story.
Guys like Rogan literally want to ruin my career. That's unbelievably cruel and hurtful, and I never want to be that guy.
When white people eat potato chips, they're called white people. When black people eat potato chips, they're called niggas.
If your gonna drop out of school / tough grades are not your goal / then change your name to Candy and learn to work a pole.
Some people want to live in a world much prettier than the one I depict. But it exists, and I talk about it because it exists.
You can take my dirtiest, craziest joke, and I can break down in my head why there's a good, honest, honorable reason for telling it.
You know what, I stopped doing 'Mind of Mencia' because it got hard, and there was a lot of fighting, and it was just time to move on.
I don't think Latino; I think like me. If that happens to be Latino, then I guess that's me. But it doesn't affect my comedy in any way.
At the end of the day, my career is not going to be judged by one or two or three moments in time. It'll be judged by the longevity of it.
What I do is that I really, really try hard to make sure the things that I do comes from a pure place in my heart and my intent is a pure one.
I'll admit it, the Holocaust was definitely a bad thing, but do we really need Jewish people around? They have big noses. I said it! I said it!
I never, nor will I, put another person down to feel better about myself. I will live and die by what I do, not what anyone else thinks about me.
It is never okay to use the toilet with the door open... I never want to know what comes out of there because sometimes I eat at that restaurant.
The beauty of not growing up middle class is that you don't think like the middle class. You don't have anything to protect, you know what I mean?
I was never funny. I'd be funny once a year at Christmas. I'd do impressions of how people talked and danced, but that stopped when I was about 11.
When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping.
If you don't like your job, then change it by getting some better skills. Until then, shut up and get my burger with a smile, like in the commercials.
I don't think I push boundaries. I find that other people feel that way. To me, it's just about going up there and speaking the truth, whatever that is.
All this stuff that went down, the joke-stealing accusations, me not wanting to do 'Mind of Mencia' anymore. All these things made me look inside myself.
When I was younger, I was angry. I was boisterous and loud. I was on top of the mountain, screaming at everybody, 'Look at me!' Now I'm more of a Taoist.
My ancestry is really weird, because my great grandfather was from the Cayman Islands, and then his father was from England. But I lose track at that point.
When white people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're homeless, when black people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're called rappers.
When I'm onstage, I'm on, but a different part of me is on: the part of me that absorbs life, sees everything occurring, and touches on everything around me.
When you have a TV show, and you're selling out 10,000 seats or whatever the hell it is, it's not that it becomes easy. It's just that's what your life is like.
In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida, you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come here and I find out I'm an Eskimo.
I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their houses have wheels.
My favorite place is Maui. It's almost perfect there - the people, the weather, just everything. No matter how busy you are, when you get to Maui, you chill and relax.
'America is such a great country, we have fat poor people.' It's one of those jokes that doesn't hit people right away, because it's so prevalent that we don't get it.
I'm the only person on Earth who's not afraid to admit that black people are better dancers than white people! I said it, I said it! You were all thinking it, I said it!
I'm just trying to be funny, trying to make people laugh, and trying to make the world a better place through some jokes. I don't have words for it. It's so overwhelming.
If the worst thing happening to Middle Eastern people is that Carlos Mencia is doing a joke about them being stopped at airports, that's a pretty awesome state of affairs.
In all honesty, we don't know what's in the hearts of other men. All I know is that I respect comedy and I know comedy. I would never, ever, ever take somebody else's joke.
The cool thing about going to Vegas is that it's kind of like visiting a bunch of cities all at one time. All the shows and great restaurants leave you with a lot of options.
If you've never seen me perform live, I'm a must-see. I'm very funny. I have a different perspective sometimes on a lot of what I do and the world itself, especially America.
Shows I've done in war zones are the greatest. The first time I was in Iraq, I kid you not, I felt so uncomfortable having the troops say, 'Thank you.' It's so deep and heartfelt.
If you ask me right now, you've seen the last of Mind of Mencia. I don't want to be a one-trick pony. I would rather walk away and do more movies, comedy and even some dramatic roles.
Race makes things funny. A black guy driving in NASCAR: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Tide: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Aunt Jemima: hilarious.
I could always talk about being a Latino and having a Mexican mom and a Honduran dad and being from Honduras. That was always an easy go-to place. But on the other hand, it was a crutch.
I'm a teacher and a philosopher by nature... In the end, I'm trying to teach people to live a better life. And if I can do that on top of entertain, then I leave the world a better place.
I know that if any other comedian came up to me questioning something I did or said, it would be literally settled in a heartbeat. I love comedy. I give to comedy. I don't take from comedy.
I grew up being very patriotic. My parents really love this country. A big part of what they love is freedom of speech... I'm fearless because aren't we supposed to be able to speak our mind?