Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I try not to be hateful.
Every now and then we're going to fail.
I don't want to be mean. I try not to be.
I don't take too many things too seriously.
Everyone's extremely and easily offended now.
Comedian makes the statement that just isn't true.
I don't think I'm extremely intelligent by any means.
I kind of want to know a little bit about everything.
I don't get all the anger that is thrown at comedians.
I'm funny because I'm funny. And there's more to offer.
If I do talk politics it's very surface, it's not in-depth.
I found out if you're a funny guy, a lot of people like you.
It's very confusing to me why people take comedians so seriously.
I was always the funny guy. Everyone wants to hang out with the funny guy.
For strangers, what I get a lot is people calling me the opposite of what I am.
I'm in awe of comics that do things that I can't do, or haven't tried doing yet.
I'm not going to talk too much politics because I'm not smart enough to do that.
It takes a surprisingly large amount of intelligence to be a professional idiot.
I don't know, why am I called the opposite of what I am? It's very confusing to me.
I don't get to the global issues or anything like that. I am just trying to be silly.
I'm such a damn workaholic, that it's interesting to be like, "Oh, what do I do for fun?"
That is the most confusing and insane thing to me, when people get offended on behalf of another group.
People ask me a lot like, "Hey, so when are you done with your tour?" Like when I die. That's when I'm done with my tour.
I just don't get if you have ever gotten offended by a joke, why would you go to a comedy club? That's where jokes happen.
Yeah, people do need to realize that just because they've seen me perform for an hour does not mean that we are now close.
Now, I've gotten to the point in my career, I'm 13 years in, to where I know that I'm funny. I know that I'm good at this.
Everyone just wants to hear the exact jokes that apply to them and want to - everyone wants a perfectly crafted joke for them.
There are plenty of wonderful, good fat people in the USA that have no problems being fat, who I have no problems with being fat.
I hate that when people are like, "Well, all dwarves know each other, right?" And you want to get mad, but you can't because we do.
Women feel safe with me as well they should, because not only am I morally objected at going too far, but physically I cannot do it.
In every other aspect of their life, we have entertainment that is crafted almost to an individual. So they expect that from stand-up as well.
Women feel safe with me. Because a woman with me knows that she can stop the situation from advancing to a point that she's comfortable at any time.
I admire ventriloquists, because I can't do that. I mean, I might get mistaken for a ventriloquist dummy every now and then, but I can't do what they do.
When a soldier of the night's watch dies they say, "And now his watch is over." That's what they say when a comedian dies. They go, "And now his tour is done."
I was a disabled child. So, people made fun of me, don't pretend like this never happens. But at the same time, I never cried about it. I never got sad about it.
If you got a hit every third time that you went up to bat in the major leagues, you'd be the greatest hitter of all time. I think my average is a little better than that.
I don't know anything about you, so when you randomly come up and grab my ass, this isn't a friend doing it. It's like, "Who the f### is doing...? I was not expecting that."
There are things that I won't joke about, but it's not because I don't think they're funny or they can't be made funny. It's just that they don't fit my particular skill set.
I don't know how to write jokes from the point of view of a six-foot-two guy. So, I'll always talk about it, but I just don't want it to be the absolute focus of all of my act.
I would love, obviously, just to keep doing stand-up. That's the constant. That's the thing that I'm going to do for the rest of my life, but also I would like a TV show at some point.
When you talk about modern comedy I think there's a big three right now, and that's Louis C.K., Bill Burr, and Jim Jefferies. I don't think anyone's doing it better than those three guys.
I want to go to Australia so bad, do comedy there, and see the people there. It's a great country. I have friends that are Australian that have told me all about it. I want to do comedy there.
The vast majority of people that have gotten mad at me for a joke that I've made were people that were, A, never going to see me in the first place, or, B, were dragged to see me by somebody else.
Most of the times to be honest with you, I get sexually harassed certainly more than I do to females, because... they are comfortable with me, and because they know I can't take it to a dangerous place.
It's weird when people ask me, "Why are you so nice?" It's like, "Because that's just what you should do. You should be kind to people." It seems really basic, but it's amazing how many people forget that.
I'm in awe of comedians that do things that I can't do, whether it be a one-liner comic like Anthony Jeselnik, whether it be social issues commentary, whether it be - hell, Carrot Top. I can't be Carrot Top. I can't.
I'm constantly watching satirical news programs, and just - I never want to be in a situation where someone could yell out a topic and I will have absolutely no opinion on it whatsoever, or just not even know it exists.
I like to play video games, I like to keep up with sports, and I just like to spend time with people, because I'm on the road so much that when I'm home, I like to spend time with people that I don't normally get to see.
Every now and then you'll say something that didn't quite work. But the important thing is, as a comic, you try to learn why it didn't. And then you adjust and figure out how to either make it work or just abandon it because it's just not funny.
It's extremely important for people to be informed and to be educated and to know what's going in their community and in their country, but every now and then you just kind of want to turn the brain off for a little bit and just laugh and be silly.