Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.
I love telling stories and acting and entertaining people. I don't want to make fun of people.
Aristotle said, Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. Isn't that a three-way?
I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses.
I'd like a nice piece of salmon that's not too pink inside and yet isn't too dry or crisp either.
It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.
I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts.
It's so nice to share a day as beautiful as this one with hundreds of thousands of reckless drivers.
I never went to camp as a kid. I couldn't get into an Ivy League school. I wouldn't join a biker club.
A good way to keep your relationship together is not to scream in terror when you see your partner naked.
One of the first things I said when I signed on for the show was No hugs! Full House was all based on hugs.
A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of Full House was, I always tell them: it was the last one!
A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.
All I've ever done is try to entertain my way through a life that often has a huge amount of heaviness in it.
Think well of yourself and others will too. Unless those others are in government, banking, or show business.
There's just something about the audiences in Detroit that I've always felt connected to. Detroit is different.
It's interesting to talk to young comedians. I love it because it makes me go, 'Oh, that's how I can be funny.'
Concerned we're in a time where politicians can't even fake sincerity. Aren't they supposed to be good at that?
My girlfriend just told me I am one of the smartest people she knows. I told her, You need to meet other people.
I'm completely changing my diet. My nutritionist recommends I must now stop eating food I have already eliminated.
If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.
I like to approach every day like it's my first, so this morning when I woke up I covered my body with red gelatin.
The secret to raising children is to love them... And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.
Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.
I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing.
I was so depressed for so many years over trying to become a working comedian that my sense of self-worth would plummet.
Now I've literally become neighborhood watch. I call 911 on people. I'm the old man driving 25-miles-per-hour down Sunset.
I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they’re both in my car and I want you to see them
My humor was kind of from my dad and all the stuff that we went through, which was a lot of death. My humor was an escape.
Just went to a lovely Catholic wedding. I need a drink. They didn't even offer us water. Well they did, but it was Holy water.
What I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz.
My mom told me she thinks a man in the market felt her up today. I asked, Where did he touch you? She said, On my knee, Bobby.
I really love standup because it's something that I've been literally doing for 40 years, which means I'm a thousand years old.
If you go with Marshall McLuhan's theory that the medium is the message, as soon as you're hosting a blooper show, you're done.
My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward.
What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?
Like with any good art form, if you can entertain people and make them think, it's an honor. It's just an honor to be a comedian.
Soon, I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter.
In the creative sense, I'm looking forward to collaborating with people I have mutual respect for to create some really good work.
I had enough therapy to know when I broke it down, it became clearer to me: Yes, comedy was kind of a cleansing thing for me to do.
My dad's like, If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?
Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.
My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.
Friend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic just a horrible drinker.
My haircutter figured out I whine less if I'm under general anesthesia. I just hope when I awaken they haven't given me a Brazilian wax.
When someone you love is hurting, if it was possible, you'd want to take their pain for them. But do I really want cramps and sore boobs?
Apparently my street has a leaf blower gang who tag team all day, so the sounds of the leaf blower are forever blowing from dawn to dusk.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn't work out for you, Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.
I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?
I will always prefer a hardback book, but I'm drawn to digital because it's so easy to acquire them when I'm having a need-to-read moment.