Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Everyone I love I pay.
I've never not felt relevant.
Valuable people are undervalued.
Some dead people said smart stuff.
I never expected to live this long.
I love my mom! You can too for $12!
I have no agenda, nothing to control.
I become a chameleon for wherever I am.
When you have a good time there is no time.
Nothing worse than a piece of dried out fish.
Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.
At the end of the day it's the end of the day.
Words matter. Especially ones with four letters.
No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers.
I wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd finger a spider though.
There are no I's in we but there are two i's in Wii.
Wise men say, only fools rush in. Wise men are so slow.
If you don't wake up every day happy, change something.
Ladies, apologies, but isn't 'vintage' just used stuff?
I have no plan except to take care of the people I love.
The greatness of a man is only measured by his urologist.
People do what they do to each other and they feed on it.
Nobody can tell me what I can or can't do, except they can.
It's okay to get stoned, as long as its not by other people.
When you're famous, you're always famous. It doesn't go away.
My confidence wavers between being genuine and being insecure.
Behind every great man in prison is another great man in prison.
Most people argue over who's right, not about what the truth is.
I don't like to drink alone 'cause there's nobody to fight with.
Unless cameras were rolling, I was pretty much not Danny Tanner.
I have nine compartments in my brain, and four of them don't stop.
They say, Keep your enemies closer. But what if you live with them?
If I ever die, I want it to be cause I got hit by a car saving a kid.
The squirrel in my yard really knows his way around the neighborhood.
You learn who your friends are when you find out who will lie for you.
If 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' how do you explain zombies?
Just went to the gym and worked on every body part. Four people slapped me.
My wife is a saint. She's Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won't eat.
Beautiful clear day in Beverly Hills. The sweet smell of Botox is in the air.
Words matter. Especially if you're kicking someone's ass in words with friends.
Around comics, I've always been known for, oh, that's not dirty, this is dirty.
My favorite Dylan song? I think it's 'Just Like a Woman.' It always makes me cry.
If you're hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person?
I love performing. I love the people. I sound like Liza Minnelli right now, don't I?
I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.
Some people rely on rumors and gossip because they are devoid of any original thought.
I'm psyched about what I can contribute that can be meaningful to myself and to others.
I have a couple of jokes that are politically oriented, but it just sickens me to do them.
I'm fortunate to know a lot of incredibly talented people, and they all want to be a penguin.
I don't censor myself, but I don't want to force my sick-skewed version of the world, either.