Quotes by Bob Mortimer - Page 2

We're not scientific comedians, thinking like, 'Things have moved on, we need to do this, we need to reflect the world in this way.'
Bob Mortimer /
Moved On
Comedians
Reflect
Scientific
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When you have a house full of children, there's never a quiet moment, so I like getting out in the garden for a bit of time to myself.
Bob Mortimer /
Garden
Quiet
Time Myself Moment
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Before I had my heart problem, if I was asked to do something I would look through a mental file looking for reasons why I could say no.
Bob Mortimer /
File
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I want people to watch us and think, 'They're idiots. They're clowns,' I want them to watch us and think Tommy Cooper or Spike Milligan.
Bob Mortimer /
People Us Want
Clowns
Cooper
Idiots
Spike
Tommy
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There are quite detailed rules with sitcom. When people can leave scenes, act structure, joke rhythm. You can't not have a straight man.
Bob Mortimer /
Rhythm
Sitcom
Structure
Rules
Scenes
Detailed
Leave
Straight
Straight Man
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We've ignored audiences all these years. We've just amused ourselves and hoped enough people would want to eavesdrop to make it all viable.
Bob Mortimer /
Amused
Ignored
Audiences
Eavesdrop
Enough People
Hoped
Viable
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A lot of comedians want people to listen to them. I don't think we've ever been that bothered about whether people would want to listen to us.
Bob Mortimer /
People Us Want
Comedians
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I look at stuff like the 'The Whole 19 Yards' and it reminds me of my childhood watching shows with Mike Reid and kids climbing over obstacles.
Bob Mortimer /
Mike
Obstacles
Yards
Reid
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You know the thing I liked about fishing when I was 14 was being out with your mates mucking about, throwing bread around, getting a bit wet maybe.
Bob Mortimer /
Bread
Fishing
Mates
Throwing
Wet
Liked
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I was just a toddler when my dad died in a car crash. With my mum, Eunice, being a young widow with a large family, she really struggled money-wise.
Bob Mortimer /
Car
Dad
Crash
Died
Large Family
Mum
Toddler
Family Car Dad
Widow
Large
Struggled
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There is a theory in showbiz circles that mentally you remain the same age as when you first tasted fame, and I think there is a grain of truth in this.
Bob Mortimer /
Circles
Grain
Showbiz
Mentally
Tasted
Same Age
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I come from an era when if you are told that you need a triple heart bypass it sounds pretty terminal. But I think it's quite a normal operation these days.
Bob Mortimer /
Bypass
Normal
Operation
Triple
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After your heart fails, you just feel really vulnerable for a while. You just want telly and your little house. Then, suddenly, three, four months have passed.
Bob Mortimer /
Heart Your Feel
Fails
Heart Feel Your
Telly
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It can be very lonely knowing that you have things to say but you daren't say them. Knowing that you could contribute to something but you don't dare quite do it.
Bob Mortimer /
Dare
Lonely
Contribute
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I thought I had a chest infection and went to the doctor - five days later I was under the knife. It came completely out of the blue. My arteries were 95% blocked.
Bob Mortimer /
Blocked
Infection
Chest
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I remember when I worked at the solicitor's - you'd go in, talk to your mates for a bit and then get down to work. With us the talking to your mates part never stops.
Bob Mortimer /
Mates
Remember When
Talking
Solicitor
Worked
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In broadcasting, there's a lot of longevity offered to people like Griff Rhys Jones and Stephen Fry, who are polymaths more than comics. We're comics first and foremost.
Bob Mortimer /
Broadcasting
Longevity
People More Who
Foremost
Fry
Offered
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I never craved having people leave a show saying, 'He's really intelligent, isn't he?' I didn't watch Tommy Cooper and think, 'Oh, he's so bright.' He just made me laugh.
Bob Mortimer /
Intelligent
Me People Never
Me People Laugh
Bright
Cooper
Tommy
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We miss 'House of Fools' a lot. We always enjoyed doing that; it felt a bit like a different and fresh show for British TV, so we always feel attached to those sort of things.
Bob Mortimer /
Always Feel Doing
Attached
Fools
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We've always been a slightly specialist interest, and as you get older, for specialist interest programmes I think broadcasters are probably looking for younger talent, really.
Bob Mortimer /
Broadcasters
Programmes
Specialist
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My shyness probably defined the first 30 years of my life, really. It's a crippling thing. It can be very lonely knowing that you've got things to say, but you daren't say them.
Bob Mortimer /
Defined
Lonely
Shyness
Life My Life Things
Crippling
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When I was about 13, I went to see this band called Free, who I'd never heard, and I just fell in love with them. I found my heroes. I stood at the front with my chin on the stage.
Bob Mortimer /
Band
Heard
Stage
Love Free Never
Heroes
Chin
Front
Stood
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Throughout my entire three years at Sussex I never spoke to another law student. I talked in tutorials but as soon as they finished I was away back to my room to listen to my records.
Bob Mortimer /
Spoke
Talked
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When we first did 'Big Night Out,' there was no chance of someone doing a little show in a pub then being on telly. There was a little Oxbridge route in and an old-fashioned variety route.
Bob Mortimer /
Old Fashioned
Variety
No Chance
Pub
Route
Telly
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After heart surgery you can go two ways, you can kind of get scared, shrink on to your sofa and keep yourself safe, or you can engage with life again. I probably was in danger of taking the first option.
Bob Mortimer /
Danger
Surgery
Option
Shrink
Sofa
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At one point I was putting 17 sugars in my tea. I know it's unbelievable and I do wonder sometimes what my mum was thinking to allow it. The weirdest thing was that if I had 18 teaspoons it was too sweet.
Bob Mortimer /
Mum
Thinking
Unbelievable
Wonder
Allow
Point
Putting
Weirdest
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I used to like getting cups and putting tiny bits of food and liquids in them. I'd grow mould plumes in the dark wardrobe of my little back bedroom. Not to eat them, mind - just to admire the growing power.
Bob Mortimer /
Bedroom
Bits
Cups
Liquid
Mould
Tiny
Wardrobe
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The more cynical commentators on our careers would say that the northern accent has been the basis of our success. There's a certain authenticity to the voice - which isn't to my credit; I was just born there.
Bob Mortimer /
Careers
Accent
Northern
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I hate dinner parties, you know, can't stand them. Friends don't bother inviting me any more, because they know I won't come. I could never think of anything to say between courses - it's a confidence thing, I suppose.
Bob Mortimer /
Confidence
Bother
Courses
Dinner
Hate
Inviting
Stand
Dinner Parties
Suppose
Parties
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I don't feel scared about death, I just feel so frustrated and sad to think I won't see how stories end. My children's story. My wife's. The football. All the stories going on in the world that you're going to miss the end of.
Bob Mortimer /
Frustrated
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I sometimes wonder, with the Oxbridge comics, the broadcasters seem to say, at some point, now I trust you to do a documentary, you can be the voice for a maths show, or whatever. I don't think we're ever considered in that way.
Bob Mortimer /
Broadcasters
Documentary
Maths
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After I had my heart operation I got really into heart stuff. I did think it would be lovely to go on 'Strictly' just so people could see I wasn't finished. But, sadly, now I couldn't because of my joints. I'd be hobbling around.
Bob Mortimer /
Joints
Lovely
Operation
Strictly
Sadly
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I spend a lot of money on the little things that make me happy, like 3 falafels from M&S to eat on the train on the way up to Edinburgh, but I do keep a close eye on the bigger picture. I don't flash the cash ridiculously on expensive things.
Bob Mortimer /
Bigger Picture
Cash
Edinburgh
Expensive
Flash
Little Things
Money Me Way
Ridiculously
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Between the age of 30 and going fishing, none of my friendships had any of that magic dust of when you were young. There was a sort of functionality to them, just keeping in touch. 'Oh, I should invite so and so, I haven't seen them for ages.
Bob Mortimer /
Dust
Fishing
Functionality
Ages
Friendships
Invite
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I wouldn't wish it on people but there is a positive side to a near-death experience. People used to ask me do you fancy doing this or that - and it was like I had a file of reasons in my head for not doing things. I would riffle through it until I found one. But I've dropped that.
Bob Mortimer /
Fancy
Positive Experience Me
Dropped
File
Reasons
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I was so young when my dad died that I didn't think it had affected me. I had such tiny memories of him, just little glimpses, I thought I had been unaffected. But then I realised, somewhere in my late 40s I think, that probably the defining thing in my whole life was losing my dad.
Bob Mortimer /
Dad
Defining
Died
Late
Losing
Memories
Realised
Tiny
Whole
Young
Life Memories Me
Life Dad Me
Somewhere
Unaffected
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I played for Middlesbrough's youth team. At the age of 16, I went into a shed at the training ground and was told that they weren't signing me on, so that was the end of that dream. Football was my life. I played football when I got to school, football every break and football as soon as I got home.
Bob Mortimer /
Break
Shed
Signing
Training
Youth
Life Age Home
Soon
Training Ground
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I worked in a chicken factory, in a steel foundry, I worked on the bins for a year or so. It started as a summer job, but I stayed on because I liked it very much. I liked it that it made you very fit, doing all the lifting and that, so I could wear short-sleeved t-shirts, which I'd never been able to do before!
Bob Mortimer /
Lifting
Summer
Chicken
Factory
Wear
Stayed
Worked
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With everything, 'Shooting Stars' included, we'll just have some words on a card to prompt us - 'How would Rod Stewart die,' that kind of thing - and we'll just run with that idea, as if we were talking to each other, messing around. And I'm no scholar of these things, but I think that's what double acts should do, isn't it?
Bob Mortimer /
Scholar
Shooting
Stars
Talking
Words
Die
Acts
Card
Idea
Run
Double
Included
Messing
Prompt
Rod
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I can't remember ever cooking food to impress a woman. The idea's quite cheesy and sort of makes my skin crawl. But I sometimes make a special effort to impress my cats, with chicken liver or something. It's tricky to know if a cat's impressed. They might give me a little look, a glimpse at least. That's cat ownership for you.
Bob Mortimer /
Cat
Cheesy
Glimpse
Impress
Liver
Ownership
Tricky
Food Cooking Me
Cats
Chicken
Crawl
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When they told me I had to have a heart operation, my main memory is standing in my kitchen and thinking what I would really miss was my little tea towel. Not for one minute did I think, 'Oh, I'm going to really miss performing.' The things you're going to miss are your wife, your egg cup, your seat that you sit in to watch TV.
Bob Mortimer /
Heart
One Minute
Performing
Standing
Tea
Thinking
Little
Thinking Heart Your
Tv
Had
Did
Miss
Oh
Seat
Cup
Watch
Egg
Main
Memory
Minute
Operation
Sit
Towel
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Catterick' was originally a movie. That was what we intended for it and we had the money for it and everything. But we couldn't be bothered - I know that sounds terrible, but it's the truth. At a later stage we went back, split it up and made it into the TV series. But, yeah that was supposed to be a movie and we just didn't bother.
Bob Mortimer /
Bother
Tv Series
Intended
Originally
Split
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Bob Mortimer Quotes - Page 2

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