Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip.
I see the Beatles have arrived from England. They were 40 pounds overweight - and that was just their hair.
Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent . . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican.
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.
America is a country where the Olympics and the divorce lawyers both have the same slogan - Go for the Gold.
The firm is really ahead of the times. It has a stock market ticker that prints its report on thin aspirins.
Everyone's nervous these days. Ronald McDonald has hired six bodyguards, and that's just to protect his buns.
When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.
I've never wanted an Oscar, although they are reassuring to an actor who doesn't know how really great he is.
England occupies a warm spot in my affections. It was the scene of my greatest performance. I was born there.
He was bare chested and in good trim. I said that just looking at him I knew there would always be an England
Congratulations to whoever is finally booking music we love. It's going to get us out of the house after dark!
Now that the war is winding down, I want to say I do appreciate you fellows hanging around here - just for me.
The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie. And an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark...
I once showed Pat Bradley my swing and said, 'What do I do next?' Pat replied, 'Wait till the pain dies down.'
My old friend Jack Benny has only had one ball all his golfing life. And now he's lost it. The string came off!
I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.
Foursomes have left the first tee there and have never been seen again. They just find their shoelaces and bags.
Don't people know that they don't have to heckle the president of the United States? That's what Congress is for.
Some people put us down. But I still haven't heard of any Americans trying to swim across the border into Mexico!
Every Naval vessel has a contingent of Marines aboard. After all, the Sailors have to have someone to dance with.
To give you an idea of how fast we travelled - we left with two rabbits and when we arrived we still had only two.
English clubs are very exclusive. I played Royal Foxshire and they made me wear a suit and tie. . . in the shower.
I've always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It's an island and the audience can't run very far.
We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes.
As soon as the war ended, we located the one spot on earth that hadn't been touched by the war and blew it to hell.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Milton Hope led the singing of Happy Birthday ... He would say, 'Keep it sweet and short and don't try to be funny.'
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty one.
Today's ballroom dances like the swim, the frug, the chicken and the monkey are really nervous disorders set to music.
I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?
Whenever I play with him , I usually try to make it a foursome - the President, myself, a paramedic and a faith healer.
A photographer kept shooting me every time I swung. I was very flattered until I found out he was from Field and Stream.
There's a very apt saying in show business: "If you don't go over budget in Paris, you're either very rich or very sick. "
Go figure a crazy, mixed-up country where ballet outsells boxing. I wouldn't be surprised if their wrestling was on the level.
Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn't get elected, he'd go back to acting.
Louis B. Mayer came out west with $28.00, a box camera and an old lion. He built a monument to himself -- the Bank of America.
It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward... I came out in sympathy.
Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he doesn't know how to lie, cheat, and steal. He's always had an agent for that.
In his prime, the young comic walked onto a stage with the confidence of a man who owned it, and by the time he walked off, he did.
It's a wonderful way to live, and not a bad way to go, either. The average Frenchman is still smiling three months after he's dead.
The high point of the act is when he (Uri Durov) puts his head inside the bear's huge jaws. I wouldn't even try that with my agent.
We have 51 golf courses in Palm Springs. He [President Ford] never decides which course he will play until after the first tee shot.
Rock and roll is catching on all over . . . France . . . England . . . They even have it in Japan, only over there they call it judo.
You know, marriage is making a big comeback. I know personally that in Hollywood people are marrying people they never married before.
Vice President Spiro Agnew can not cheat on his score : because all you have to do is look back down the fairway and count the wounded.
The Governor has no presidential aspirations. In fact he just made a tour of 43 states just to tell them he's not running for anything.
The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I've been doing that all my life.
Having so many gold courses so close together was ideal for me. With my slice I could enjoy three or four golf courses at the same time.
My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact, my blood type is solid marmalade.