Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
No one entertains the thought that maybe God does not believe in you.
And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.
Being famous is complete luck, and that's something you can't bank on.
I'd really love to make something that doesn't involve my stupid face.
I was being called a shock comic. I hated that. It's so cheap and stupid.
If I was confronted with some 20-year-old American hotshot, I'd hate him.
I don't want to put meaning on what I do because I don't know what it is.
Poverty. Racism. Isn't it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?
You got to take a deep breath and give up. The system is rigged against you.
I always wanted to be a comedian but never thought I'd be a musical comedian.
I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f-k me.
Basically, I don't like to tweet stuff about my life. I only like to tweet jokes.
I don't think I've had a job since I worked for my father's construction company.
Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no f-king sense make.
I thought I had more of a European sense of humour than the average American comic.
I'm just a giddy teenager who would like to break into show business any way I can.
I've kind of stopped valuing laughter as the end-all measurement of what I'm doing.
Comedy is very strange to me and I don't fully understand it's purpose or function.
I don't want to monitor my audience too closely, as that can really drive you crazy.
If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.
Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.
I'd love to write a song that someone else sings that can actually sing really well.
Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate.
I like to joke about being gay because it's something teenagers would never joke about.
Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.
Maybe life on earth could be heaven, doesn't just the thought of it make it worth a try?
I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity.
I think I wear my hypocrisy on my sleeve. I would never say I'm not a complete hypocrite.
There's a certain line between jokes and music and poetry that's a bit blurred in my mind.
I misdirect the audience, so they have no idea where they are or who they're listening to.
Squaring numbers are just like women. If they're under thirteen, just do them in your head.
I enjoy stand up so much because I take time off, and then I'll be excited to go back to it.
I definitely like making music in the studio, but I never had it out to make a CD specifically.
A few people know me, and the few people that do know me only know me because they dig my stuff.
Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.
I've been doin' drive-bys all of my life. Except the bullets are newspapers, the car is my bike.
I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don't.
If a comic is himself, there'll be things he can't do - because he has to adhere to that persona.
I don't need anything as long as I have my family, friends, millions of dollars, unlimited pussy.
I don't worship comedy; at the end of the day, I don't fall to the altar of comedy unquestioningly.
For some comedians it feels so cool to be like: 'I'll say anything, man!'. I'm not quite there yet.
I became good friends with Jack Whitehall. I think he's great, such a great dude, and really funny.
I don't mind having 16-year-old fans, but I hate just having 16-year-old fans. I want more diversity.
The Internet is so crazy, and you're exposed to so many things. In an hour, you can really jump around.
I'm gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.
I've always liked the format of YouTube, sharing things for free, which is a nice exchange between people.
I'll stop when I think I'm not doing good stuff. I'll never exploit something just because people like it.
I like to inject a bit of production value and flair to comedy, or at least to my little corner of comedy.
In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in highschool.
People give me money and I don't know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy.