Bill Maher Quotes - Page 4

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Tea Party has now cost the Republicans 5 senate seats. My next donation is going to them.

People are either good or they're not. Religion doesn't make anybody good, I don't think.

All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it's the same sex.

So many kids are fat drug addicts these days, it's almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies.

Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.

I like groaning. That means that you're not pandering to their already settled prejudices.

I never thought I'd say this, what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush.

I never thought I'd say this: what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush.

Selling pot allowed me to get through college and make enough money to start off in comedy.

I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma.

Republicans are taking the defeat over Health Care as well as Tiger Woods took to marriage.

I love the Tea Party. They are the ultimate beer goggles. They make everything look better.

I always say to my religious friends, if a pool had even one turd in it, would you jump in?

I would describe my spirituality as exactly the opposite of having a religious affiliation.

I don't want to be a pessimist. I'm a realist. One man's realist is another man's pessimist.

I don't respect religon. I don't respect superstitious thinking and that is what religous is.

But isn't there something wrong when I'm the only guy in the country that got fired for 9/11?

Only a Bush could answer a 'yes' or 'no' question two different ways and be wrong both times.

If anti-gay stuff is always coming out of your mouth, something very gay is probably going in.

Sarah Palin finally heard what happened in Japan and she's demanding that we invade 'Tsunami.'

I have two questions about Arnold Schwarzenegger. What does he know, and when will he know it?

Like it or not, we're still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation.

I don't understand why the police are infallible. They remind me a lot of the Catholic Church.

Look, I have never made a secret of the fact that I have tried marijuana... About 50,000 times.

Why is the AMA for 'Obamacare'? If this is going to hurt doctors, why are they for 'Obamacare'?

We've been on a long break and I've just been kicking back, doing nothing. Like our government.

The car bomb was fertilizer, gasoline, fireworks and propane tanks...still safer than a Toyota.

Oh, America! I could never leave you! You're like my dog, dumb as a post but you make me laugh!

The difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull: At some point, a pit bull does stop whining.

Not a lot of people know about Tunisia. Sarah Palin thinks it's the name of one of Obama's kids.

Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can't the rest of us make them go away?!

I'm worried about a permanent Republican majority. That's what I'm worried about for the future.

What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.

I have a theory that the Internet makes people stupider. And Also FOX News makes people stupider.

I'm staying in a strange hotel. I called room service for a sandwich and they sent up two hookers.

I urge the media to start referring to climate skeptics as what they really are: climate assholes.

As a loyal American and I think a patriotic American, no, I don't want Sarah Palin to be president.

Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?

Ebola has arrived in New York City. And I say, 'if it can make it there...it can make it anywhere!'

The teachers don't know anything. What are the kids going to learn with a horrible education system?

People sometimes say how standup is so hard, and I always tell them that it's hard at the beginning.

If it makes you feel any better we will be happy to attack a country that had nothing to do with it.

If I thought the Lord was speaking to me I'd check myself into Bellevue, and I think you should too.

If you ignore every single thing Jesus told you to do, you are just auditing. You're not a Christian.

There are two things that you have to lie to get through. One is politics, and the other is marriage.

I would rather put up with Rush Limbaugh and live in a country where we all do have freedom of speech.

In today's Republican Party, there's a term for people who hate charity and love killing: 'Christian.'

George Bush says, 'Gore's book needs a lot of explaining.' Of course, Bush says that about every book.

New Rule: The people of America who were most in favor of the Iraq War must now go there and fight it.

Religion is defined as belief in and worship of a controlling power and atheism is precisely not that.

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