Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
There should be more on television that uplifts people and shows them how to better prepare themselves for earning a living.
The wisest married men give in early. They get in touch with the wife side of themselves, and that's when they stop arguing.
You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.
The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."
My father walked to school 4 o'clock every morning with no shoes on, uphill, both ways, in 5 feet of snow and he was thankful.
Things are old. Parts are old. I'm talking about 'us' parts. AARP-parts. Some of us were born with stronger parts than others.
If you speak your mind and if it is true what you're saying, then I think the integrity of what you're saying carries through.
You also notice that the right side of your face feels like it's sliding off of your skull. And your bottom lip is in your lap!
Too many people are waiting for Jesus to come along and cut your grass. And Jesus isn't going to come along and cut your grass.
There's a gap between people knowing what I do and really believing that I still do that - and wondering what it is I really do.
These people marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an education and now we've got these knuckleheads walking round.
I'm going out... because I deserve to go out! And I'm going to get drunk... because I deserve to get drunk! And get out of my way!
There are times my stories become - what I feel - not only accessible to hearing me on television, but they make wonderful reading.
All men should freely use those seven words which have the power to make any marriage run smoothly: You know dear, you may be right
I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.
Parents are people who yell and they yell and they yell and they yell. And you already have the point... and they're still yelling.
Well, I really don't know what the secret of success is but I can tell you that the secret of failure is to try to please everyone.
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His kids.
Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all his fans, but has special feelings for the ones who eat broccoli.
You go and you buy a lottery ticket. You've got just as much chance of getting struck by lightning as you do of winning the lottery.
I once asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic. He told me how he once killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.
The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic.
A father has to do everything in his power to keep a tight ship, even though he knows the crew would like to send him away in a dinghy.
In your 50s, time becomes precious and must not be wasted. Every minute is an excellent opportunity for a good nap. Happy 50th birthday!
The problem is that your daughter has given her heart to a 15-year-old boy, and a 15-year-old boy does not yet qualify as a human being.
My mother was an authority on pig sties. This is the worst looking pigsty I have ever seen in my life, and I want it cleaned up right now.
You'll have many, many friends, but if your relationship with your mate is one hundred per cent of your heart, you'll never need a friend.
We go out of our way to make people so different,... to punish them because of color, because of sex, because of size, and the game starts.
I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.
Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.
I'm not saying looting is good, ... But I'm saying surely at a time when your child needs diapers and you need food, when does looting stop.
For college seniors there should be a week of being allowed to cry. Just break down and cry because you are scared and don't know what's next.
Anyone can dabble, but once you've made that commitment, your blood has that particular thing in it, and it's very hard for people to stop you.
People say children are charming because they tell the truth. That's a lie. I've got five of them. They only tell the truth if they're in pain.
Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair and the first thing they grab is an iron hook.
What people are tired of, the people who agree with me, what they're tired of is listening to that sound, the sound of the people who've given up.
My children love my mother, and I tell my children, that is not the same woman I grew up with...That is an old woman trying to get into heaven now.
A baseball manager has learned a lot about his job from having played the game, but a parent has not learned a thing from having once been a child.
When you introduce competition into the public school system, most studies show that schools start to do better when they are competing for students.
My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own fatherhood, but it didn't because parenting can only be learned by people who have no children.
In America ... the seven ages of man have become preschooler, Pepsi generation, baby boomer, mid-lifer, empty-nester, senior citizen, and organ donor.
All around the United States of America - in the cities and the counties - our public education is suffering and has been suffering. Cuts, cuts, cuts.
There should be marches in every neighborhood every day telling the people about the negativity of drugs and how the drugs help us to behave negatively.
I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.
After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was "Don't."
If you're a parent, the five worst words you can say to your children are, "When I was your age ..." You were never their age. You were older in the womb.
The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.
George Carlin is brilliant with words, and Johnny Winters is very creative. It's taking something common and drawing out the humor, being clever with words.
And to those people with no children but who think they'd like to have them some day to fulfill their lives. Remember: With fulfillment comes responsibility.
I can't negate the theory that the Huxtables on 'The Cosby Show' may have helped pave the way for the Obama family. People enjoyed watching that black family.