Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
[I'm] more German than Irish.
D.C.'s always had a great scene.
Podcasting is great. Total freedom.
Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.
I enjoy collaborating with other people.
Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men!
Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10.
Patrice O'Neal is the best comic I ever saw.
I'm not easy to live with. My wife is a saint.
I don't think people know what hygienist means.
Working on the Dave Chappelle show was amazing.
Deny your emotions and act like you have answers
Comedians have the ability to feel other emotions.
I am so pro-swine flu it's - it's like ridiculous.
When I watch 'Breaking Bad,' my stomach is in knots.
As a big music fan, England is an amazing place to go.
I actually had the urge to elbow an elderly lady today.
I love doing radio, and I love doing stand-up, obviously.
You have no idea how long a year is until you’re stone sober.
If this goes into sweatshop labor, I'm quitting this podcast.
Do you know how many times a week people ask me why I'm yelling?
I cannot believe that [Donald Trump] is actually in the debates.
Michael Price is the showrunner so nobody works harder than him.
I loved the [English] countryside. I went to John Bonham's grave.
My dad was a dentist but I wasn't a hygienist. I assisted my dad.
Being a comedian is an incredible thing, but it can be scary sometimes.
I'm not going to lie. I am a psycho. Luckily, I get most of it out on stage.
Acting in a sitcom or a comedy movie is like a comedy routine with the setups.
Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.
As far as my mindset changing, I see myself having more empathy in my older age.
Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.
What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?
I love my dog. I hate bankers. I have issues with women. In my head, I’m a great guy.
Look how long it took to build the Freedom Tower, and we wanted that. It took 15 years.
Haven't you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald's has a new sandwich?
I think it's a privilege to be able to fly to somewhere where people want to see my show.
Once you do a joke and it works it's only good for so long, like shooting fish in a barrel.
Ric Flair was so big I heard about him. I've read his autobiography and all that. He's huge.
For aspiring comedians? Don't listen to me. Just go on stage and do what you think is funny.
I was certified to take x-rays, but you can't just show up and start cleaning people's teeth.
I just do my act. If people in England don't get my joke I make fun of myself for telling it.
It’s been a dream to work with Netflix because they don’t have any pressure from advertisers.
I think it gets uncomfortable when you try to act like you didn't just tell a joke that bombed.
It's a whole new world as far as getting a show on the air. There's good things and bad things.
If you try to deliver a funny line in a funny way, it comes out as wacky and you ruin the scene.
The whole city [Manchester] just a real rock music vibe. It reminded me a lot of where I'm from.
You wanna know how you know you're informed as a protestor? They don't show your interview on TV.
I've never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It's always the little things that do me in.
I've had a great time on the road, I would say shooting guns with a silencer in Jacksonville, Fla.
Business runs hot and cold so the more you're in charge of your own destiny, the better off you are.