Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Thank God for Darwin, eh?
This shed does not contain me.
I got ham but I'm not a Hamster
I love to watch birds and wildlife.
Contentment is knowing you're right
I get a lot of nutters in my audiences.
Nostalgia: How long's that been around?
The Lib Dems are such terrible ditherers.
I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
Work hard, save and live within your means.
London is a great place to be over Christmas.
I have sold stuff door-to-door, but not doors.
The Dutch do have a slightly odd sense of humour.
So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
I've always been reasonably upbeat about most things.
Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.
I used to live on a houseboat near Hammersmith Bridge.
Melbourne has great eateries and you can go birdwatching.
Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
I used to like beer, but it makes me feel slightly queasy.
Comedy should be fluid. It should be both Left and Right wing.
Paddle boarding: it's the closest you get to walking on water.
When the sun shines in Britain there's no finer place on Earth.
We live in the age of entitlement, as opposed to enlightenment.
People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'
There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.
Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
I'm sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.
A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.
I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!
I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.
I don't like labels. I have always fought against that as a stand-up.
Doing comedy around the world is a way of finding out how people tick.
Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.
Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently.
I hate getting ill, it irritates me so I try to stay reasonably healthy.
Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.
Contentment is knowing you're right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.
I was an only child but I never longed for a sibling. It just didn't occur to me.
I'm English and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise.
It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
The two worst enemies of comedy are lack of sleep and not having had a decent meal.
It's been Bill for so long people think my name is William, but it's not, it's Mark.
Great music and great artists create their own music and look and are not manufactured.
My earliest memory is feeling soil between my fingers when I was around three years old.