Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I worship the quicksand he walks in.
The best things in life aren't things.
I was put on earth to make people laugh.
The things that matter most are not things.
I just don't want to die the same day Castro dies
I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
The Marine Corps was the first father figure I had ever known.
I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
People who live in glass houses have to wash their windows all the time.
Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
A humorist has to be taken seriously before he's considered a real writer.
The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
When it came to writing about wine, I did what almost everybody does - faked it
I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.
I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, "I'm getting even
I can now say without hesitation the Marine Corps was the best foster home I ever had.
This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
Over the years I have met a lot of important people, but no one as important as Elvis Presley.
If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
Ascot is so exclusive that it is the only racecourse in the world where the horses own the people.
The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
It is one thing to choose to go into a hospice; it's another thing to get on the air and tell everybody about it.
If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
I know it's very egocentric to believe that someone is put on Earth for a reason. In my case, I like to think I was.
I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday... I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn't let me - Homeland Security.
Becoming eighty is a matter of life or death. I chose life. It is a much better position to be in, and it's easier on your back.
Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.
A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.
Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.
... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.