Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm not that professional.
It's a very nice thing to have a baby.
No, I don't know any Emily Dickinson poems!
Anything that I read, I read because I'm interested in it.
There are naked people in boots on a mountain top firing guns.
But I don't read a lot of fiction. I prefer the nonfiction stuff.
I briefly considered doing Edgar Allan Poe and just swearing a lot.
I watch mediocre shows that have been on for three or four seasons, and feel angry at them.
I want to get back and figure out how we're going to make 'The Tonight Show' funny and good.
At a very basic level, I think television exists for game shows, and I think it always will.
I've always tried to be nice to people, so that sort of translates into popularity, I guess.
I mean, I'll say the filthiest things in the world, but when it comes down to it, I'm kind of a prude.
The people on Quintuplets were great, but I wasn't a producer on that show, and it wasn't exactly my taste.
The people on 'Quintuplets' were great, but I wasn't a producer on that show, and it wasn't exactly my taste.
Aside from accidentally by my kids, like wrestling around with my kids, no one has ever punched me in the face.
If you start to just aim for what the audience wants to hear, you're already hamstrung because you don't have any freedom.
Some people are born with a brain that has this weird, magical mathematical thing that makes them an amazing jazz musician.
I think the people that are best at something, they don't think about it much. That's the whole key to being good at anything.
Tell me what you want, and then I'll put in what I want... after I'm done with my codependent providing for you, I'll get a little for me too.
I wouldn't want to be a talk show host. That's another awkward compliment people make. 'You should have your own talk show.' And I think, no thank you.
Well, I refer to Celebrity Jeopardy as the short-bus Jeopardy, because it is a lot easier. Like, there was a whole column basically naming stores in New York.
Well, I refer to 'Celebrity Jeopardy ' as the short-bus 'Jeopardy,' because it is a lot easier. Like, there was a whole column basically naming stores in New York.
I never just sit down and see what's on TV anymore. And also, I hate almost everything, so that keeps you reading magazines and doing crossword puzzles or whatever.
One of the big tensions in my life is that I have known the stresses of financial hardship since I was a little kid, and it is the cancer for which I am seeking a cure.
We've been swimming at nude beaches and I love to go skinny dipping, but I'm sorry, sitting on top of a mountain, that's just, you're trying to show off or something. That's ridiculous.
The basic equation that mystified me as a young man was looking at guys who could actually get girls. I was always amazed, because they never seemed to care. I was like, 'How do they do that?'
Because homecoming came first, and there was the homecoming court. The five guys on homecoming court were disqualified from being in the prom court. So being prom king was being sixth most popular.
I was prom king. Which is actually saying I was the sixth most popular, because the five who were on homecoming were automatically disqualified from prom, so of course I have to look at it that way.
If somebody's looking at pictures of naked people and you go, 'Oh I don't want to see that,' you're lying. Cause naked people are always interesting. Always. Whether they're beautiful, or naked or 500 pounds.
My ability to notice that kind of thing, the sanctity of the bubble that you create, has not been so good in a way, in that I notice it concurrently with actually doing the thing. I always notice it in retrospect.
Since she got a cause and stopped being funny. I think she's real funny, but lately it's all been hearts and flowers and tears and saving teenagers and creating a role model. And that ain't funny. No giggles there.
I have a wife and child, and I guess that would constitute a family, and sometimes I watch shows where the people aren't related. And I don't get nervous, get the sweats, and have to run out of the room. I mean, I can handle it.
I actually find something rewarding about that tension between satisfying myself and satisfying others. Because first of all, I can't provide my own structure, and that tension provides a structure for me to actually work within.
Outside from with my older brother - and this would have stopped about age 12 - I haven't been in a physical fight in my life. We used to punch each other, but that was little kid punching. You're too scared to hit anybody really.
The thing that's important for me to focus on is the balancing of the tension between satisfying myself and satisfying an audience, and making something that I think is good and funny, worthwhile, small-"i" important, versus something that's going to do well.
I feel like I'm a showbiz professional. This is my job, it's going to have ups and downs. I'm lucky to be able to do this for a living, but I also do feel like I don't anticipate changing the world. All I can really do is do a good job when I'm hired to do a job, and be happy at home.
I remember Ozzy Osbourne making a fuss on The Osbournes - people were making a big deal about him taking the garbage out, and he said, "Well, who else is going to do it?" The garbage is full, and you're standing right there. You're still a human being who is going to make yourself a sandwich.
It's funny, because Arrested Development is tied to Andy Richter in a few different ways. For me personally, after I did Andy Richter, one of the next things I did was a show called Quintuplets for a season for Fox, and this was while Arrested Development was on. I used to go over and hang out on their set.
I don't waste a lot of time on profound embarrassment. I have always been somewhat the same person. I can think of maybe particular items of clothing that I think, "Oh God, I used to wear that?" But nothing serious. It's not like for a while I became some sort of goth wannabe. I've always pretty much been me.
It's funny, because 'Arrested Development' is tied to Andy Richter in a few different ways. For me personally, after I did Andy Richter, one of the next things I did was a show called 'Quintuplets' for a season for Fox, and this was while 'Arrested Development' was on. I used to go over and hang out on their set.
It is rare, with people who are on television or celebrities or actors - it's rare to go to their house for a party and find they cooked. That's rare. Usually people don't cook for their own parties, and they don't buy their own gifts. There are people that do that, and that is a special thing. Those kind of little human touches are nice.
The desire to do different things was the main motivator that made me leave late night because I'd been there seven years. The combination of an entrepreneurial desire to see how far I could push my success and a short attention span. But now I've done other things. And I'm sort of ready to sit somewhere and sit in the same place for a while.
I always find it kind of more interesting when people ask questions like, "What were you like as a kid?" Or just kind of personal history stuff, like, "What was the lowest point of your life?" Because that would be like, "Huh, well, I'd have to think about that one." And then give an honest answer. I think a lot of people don't want to give honest answers, or they just are in business showbiz mode when they're talking about stuff, so that's probably why a lot of that kind of thing doesn't get asked.
When I would work freelance in production in Chicago, there were a lot of times when I was working for cheap, bad people, and I was working for slave wages anyway, so there were some times when I might have filled out a couple of blank taxi receipts and kept some petty cash. But like I say, I was very selective. It was only people that I thought were assholes. The people that I liked I went far and above saving them money, much less taking it. But that's it. I'm pretty moral. I don't even like stealing jokes.