Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I don't think there's anything Craig Ferguson could say that would make me laugh. Ad-libbing is not the same as entertainment.
I don't consider myself a political comedian because it's so hard. It takes time away from me saying terrible things about TV.
BJ Novak gets the Perseverance Award for graduating from Harvard and being unemployed for the entire plane ride to Los Angeles.
Larry the Cable Guy has signed a deal with Cracker Barrel. Not the store. He signed a deal with a barrel full of angry rednecks.
Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.
I'm on a show called Wizards of Wavery Place, and I like it, but I'm unable to convince my Tivo that I wouldn't also like iCarly.
There are so many people who just want a flashy object in front of their eyes and don't want to think at all; I find that disturbing.
I'm not a confrontational person in real life, so I really don't wanna get into arguments or fistfights with people I'm making fun of.
Pixar has announced Larry the Cable Guy will be starring in Cars 3 thru 6. Howie Mandel will be playing his sidekick, Mopey the Moped.
Maybe Bill Maher should just practice his monologue a few times before the show, so he wouldn't find it so hilarious. But I kid the asshole.
CNN has a thing called You Choose the News. Y'know what CNN? I'm turning you on because I don't know the news. I was hoping you could help me.
I would like Albert Brooks to have received the Oscars for best actor, best director and best screenplay for 'Modern Romance.' I love that movie.
Very unique: I was a singer-songwriter-guitarist. Very unusual in the late Seventies to find a singer-songwriter, and on top of that, a guitarist.
My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.
Can we all admit that 'Parks and Recreation' is horrible? Is this something we would all know, but don't say? Maybe everything should not be improv'd.
I have no sympathy for the people who went to Charlie Sheen's show and were disappointed. That didn't seem very organized! That guy's all over the map!
Nobody gets excited when they see me. If I put on my wizard outfit and walk around the airport for a couple of hours, I get a couple of puzzled glances.
I watched Anderson Cooper 360 for a year before I realized that the second hour was a repeat of the first. I just thought his reporting seemed familiar.
Most of the people in my family were pretty funny. Everyone had a good sense of humor. I came to California right after college, wanting to be a musician.
Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.
George Lopez is always on the verge of hilarity. If he could ever think of something funny to say, if he had a funny thought in his mind, he's ready to go.
Once when Larry the Cable Guy was on Conan's show, Conan O'Brien was so offended by Larry's material, he had to walk away from the desk he was so offended.
I'm still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I'm going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I'm going after Hitler.
I have to say, after hanging out with Republicans for four days, I want to take a look at my own birth certificate. I don't think I was born in this country.
The cliche that comics always use is that whatever is happening in the news is 'the gift that keeps on giving.' I always thought that was a bunch of nonsense.
Why does Louis CK get named Comedy Person of the Year? I should be named Comedy Person of the Year just so I can parlay it into another few weeks of road work.
People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?
I actually performed at an orthodox Jewish wedding, where the men were separated from the women, but they both came together to not enjoy what I was talking about.
Why did God have to make Mo'Nique a good actress? What was God thinking when he decided to give Mo'Nique acting chops. Now we have to endure Mo'Nique comedy specials.
Sometimes things can be a guilty pleasure, but with 'Idol,' everyone talks about it like it's a real thing; they argue over who's gonna win... There's no laughing at it.
In the '90s, comedy was at a very low point, but these days, you've got people like Hannibal Burress, Ron Funches, Maria Bamford - people who can play any club, anywhere.
I love whenever they downgrade a hurricane to a tropical depression, because I always think of a tropical depression as how I feel three songs into a Jimmy Buffett concert.
I have a true love for the old style of Catskill comic. There's a joy in discovering a bad joke... and then there's the joy of delivering it like, 'Isn't this a hacky joke?'
I noticed when I was driving around that they changed the name of the Interborough Parkway to the Jackie Robinson Parkway. And the Interborough family is very upset about this.
If I don't believe in Jesus, maybe I don't believe in Hell. Did you ever think of that? You're so excited about it, why don't you go to Hell? It's your concept; you invented it.
My manager came up with the name 'State of the Industry,' and it was just one of those things. It just took off. Well, I don't know about 'took off.' I'm not in the stratosphere.
I don't remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember - I killed! That's what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar-mitzvah. It was over when I was done.
The Comedy Bar is an intimate club, which I prefer. I refuse to play theatres, because large empty spaces make me nervous, and I don't enjoy the echo. I'm no sell out. Literally.
You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.
If I love a comic but they have an off night, who am I to say they should have taken out this or added that? It doesn't work that way... I have no interest in hurting people's feelings.
I'm interested in Jeff Bridges. I love that guy. And I did like Carey Mulligan in 'An Education.' And I love Meryl Streep, but if they could ban 'Julie & Julia,' I'd be in favor of that.
I'm still doing what I've always wanted to do, and how big it gets or how much money I make for it or how popular I am in the public's eye is really not that important, even though it's hard to let that go.
I sold door to door for a couple years. As the years recede from the event, I remember less about it, which is probably good for my mind. It was home improvement in Cerritos California, Buena Park, that area.
The right wing is appealing to a shrinking, shrinking demographic of angry white people who blame their predicament in life on the fact that there are immigrants coming into the country; it's pretty ludicrous.
Louie is hugely talented. But I get very annoyed at the way the media... say, 'Louis C.K. is the greatest stand-up in the world.' He's not the greatest stand-up in the world. He's not funnier than Dave Attell.
I feel completely fearless when I'm on stage. And also totally fearful. There's the fear that I'm not making a very smart career move sometimes, but there's the stronger belief that these things need to be said.
You tell me that 'Date Night' was good? I'm not going to see it. I will debate you on it, having no knowledge of the footage in the film. I was next to someone on the plane watching it, and they were dozing off.
President Obama. He is the man. I've tried the rest, and he is the best. My dream is for him to appoint me to be the Secretary of Humor. My first act will be to make whatever Larry the Cable Guy is doing illegal.
I'm Jewish... We're a very nervous group. Paranoid. Anxiety-ridden. Maybe that Hitler thing made us a little jumpy. Nothing like a Holocaust to make you mind your Ps and Qs for a couple hundred years I always say.
George Lopez has to get a physical comedy checkup every year to make sure his bulging eyes don't get out of control... Good news George... you are humor free! There's no sign of comedy anywhere in your blood stream.