Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Some of my stuff, I realize is just rage.
Milk should be refrigerated even before opening.
Adam Carolla is like Hitler if Hitler wasn’t funny.
I can open up any can of worms and get people upset.
I am the smartest comedian in the history of the world.
I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.
Jimmy Fallon is handsome. This is an indisputable fact.
I'm not trying to do anything except entertain America.
My favorite comedians are basically themselves onstage.
You can't go wrong with pizza, unless it's terrible pizza.
I don't like any nastiness on tv unless it's coming from me.
Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.
When did I start comedy? I came out of the womb and did 10 minutes.
My goal isn't to wake up in the morning and hurt people's feelings.
George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.
Dave Rath is recovering. A month ago he had hip pocket replacement surgery.
I've given myself permission to say whatever's on my mind when I'm on stage.
'The Graduate' should have won best picture over 'In the Heat of the Night.'
My big fear is that I'll put down so many people, I'll have to leave show biz.
I don't know what Tracy Morgan does on stage, but I can assure you it's no act.
I don't know what Tracy Morgan does onstage, but I can assure you, it's no act.
Comedy Central made their own awards show. They were named best comedy channel.
I've never been paid as a prognosticator. I don't get a lot of work as a mentalist.
I don't hate Dane Cook, but I am trying to go after people I think are capable of more.
I do have insecurities. I don't know if you can tell. I'm not brimming with confidence.
I wanted to like 'Up in the Air' - I like Jason Reitman - but Vera Farmiga left me cold.
I've sold a lot of different product. Very briefly, I sold Time Life Books on the phone.
Ever since I've switched to the clean syringes, I've never felt better in my entire life.
Kevin James is going to do a couple of specials. One's called It's Getting Muggy In Here.
I will say that I wasn't susceptible to Tony Robbins-like pitches, even as a younger man.
I get some acting jobs. I like it other than the constant slipping in and out of character.
I believe at the end of my career I'll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame.
I came out to L.A. in '78 to be a musician. I didn't get into comedy until the mid-Eighties.
The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said 'get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone.
I'm tired of demographic appeal being more important than talent. I want to fight against that.
I try to go out for everything. I go out for any acting stuff that comes up, and voice-over stuff.
There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.
Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch.
My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.
Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it's the funniest.
I'm not really in Louis CK's circle. It'd probably be harder if we were really close and I went off on him.
I don't really know what's wrong with Jay Leno. I don't have the training to make a professional diagnosis.
I did not sell Amway, but I sold Shaklee, which was an Amway-type product sold through multi-level marketing.
Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say hello. Hellooo, I invented the telephone!
I always had a tremendous amount of rage about the business, and I thought turning that into comedy was healthy.
I'm on a mission. If I can make even one person not enjoy something they're currently enjoying, it's all worth it!
I'm sorry and ashamed to report that I'm not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust.
From 1987 to 1992, I was on the road for 40 weeks a year playing comedy clubs, and that was during the 'comedy boom.'
I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.
Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.