Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.
Advice: The suggestions you give someone else which you hope will work for your benefit.
Miss, n. A title which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.
AFFLICTION, n. An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for another and bitter world.
A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.
Slang is the speech of him who robs the literary garbage carts on their way to the dumps.
TALK, v.t. To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an impulse without purpose.
critic, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him.
IMPENITENCE, n. A state of mind intermediate in point of time between sin and punishment.
Duty - that which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire.
gratitude, n. A sentiment lying midway between a benefit received and a benefit expected.
PITIFUL, adj. The state of an enemy or opponent after an imaginary encounter with oneself.
SATIETY, n. The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eaten its contents, madam.
Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
Who never doubted, never half believed. Where doubt is, there truth is - it is her shadow.
If you would be accounted great by your contemporaries, be not too much greater than they.
INGRATE, n. One who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise an object of charity.
The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity.
Slang is a foul pool at which every dunce fills his bucket, and then sets up as a fountain.
When lost in a forest go always down hill. When lost in a philosophy or doctrine go upward.
PRICE, n. Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience in demanding it.
Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.
Distance, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs and keep.
ORPHAN, n. A living person whom death has deprived of the power of filial ingratitude . . .
PROVIDENTIAL, adj. Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial to the person so describing it.
APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor and grave worm's provider
OBSERVATORY, n. A place where astronomers conjecture away the guesses of their predecessors.
Incompatibility. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination.
RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.
They say that hens do cackle loudest when there is nothing vital in the eggs they have laid.
Cynic, n: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.
Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
ARENA, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman wrestles with his record.
Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.
Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.
The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one who has nothing to get all that he can.
MATERIAL, adj. Having an actual existence, as distinguished from an imaginary one. Important.
Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.
There would be far fewer accidents if we could only teach telephone poles to be more careful.
Dentist: a prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coin out of your pocket.
PLAGIARIZE, v. To take the thought or style of another writer whom one has never, never read.
ELECTOR, n. One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the man of another man's choice.
REPORTER, n. A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words.
TABLE D'HOTE, n. A caterer's thrifty concession to the universal passion for irresponsibility.
Heaven lies about us in our infancy and the world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
When among the graves of thy fellows, walk with circumspection; thine own is open at thy feet.
Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.
An auctioneer is a man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.
ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn.
Contempt; the feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.