Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
YESTERDAY, n. The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire past of age.
RUSSIAN, n. A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul. A Tartar Emetic.
RADICALISM, n. The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the affairs of to-day.
COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness.
Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.
DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's forecast of disease by the patient's pulse and purse.
Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.
Quill: An instrument of torture yielded by a goose and commonly weilded by as ass.
There is nothing new under the sun but there are lots of old things we don't know.
EXILE, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador.
IMPROVIDENCE, n. Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues of to-morrow.
CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.
DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an article of merchandise that comes in sets.
Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
OPIATE, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard.
PROPHECY, n. The art and practice of selling one's credibility for future delivery.
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
Before undergoing a surgical operation, arrange your temporal affairs. You may live.
LUMINARY, One who throws light upon a subject; as an editor by not writing about it.
Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity
LANGUAGE, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding another's treasure.
KILT, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland.
UGLINESS, n. A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue without humility.
We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over.
RUIN, v. To destroy. Specifically, to destroy a maid's belief in the virtue of maids.
BAIT, n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind is beauty.
Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
An accident is an inevitable occurrence due to the actions of immutable natural laws.
Respectability, n. The offspring of a liaison between a bald head and a bank account.
Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.
DEJEUNER, n. The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris. Variously pronounced.
Nothing is more logical than persecution. Religious tolerance is a kind of infidelity.
UNIVERSALIST, n. One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons of another faith.
Work: a dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries who want to go fishing.
EXPOSTULATION, n. One of the many methods by which fools prefer to lose their friends.
GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason.
There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.
Here's to woman! Would that we could fold into her arms without falling into her hands.
DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set.
The small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify we give the name of knowledge.
Cribbage, n. A substitute for conversation among those to whom nature has denied ideas.
Optimism - the doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly.
ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of death by injection.
CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but less indigestible.
To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater advantage.
GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.
PASTIME, n. A device for promoting dejection. Gentle exercise for intellectual debility.
Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.
Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.