Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I was a high school throw-out.
Modesty is not one of my virtues.
As a parent, I'd - I'd be a better father.
I won't eat in a place that has suits of armor.
You only live once, except for Shirley MacLaine.
There's nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.
If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.
My son says I never tell stories about anyone who's living.
I made it, Ma - Carnegie Hall. And I didn't have to practice.
Museums are good things, places to look and absorb and learn.
The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
It's not easy being a father, but I've been allowed a comeback.
You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.
Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
My father helped me leave. He said, 'It's all out there, it's not here.'
A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!
You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
Smoked salmon is for dinner. Belly lox is for breakfast. Don't get that mixed up.
If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.
My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
One thing I've never said in my whole life is, 'Let's have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.'
When I was a kid, I used to send away for those ventriloquist kits on the back of comic books.
If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
I don't mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
My mother kept the house clean and we ate good. I didn't know we were poor until I started giving interviews.
Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore's program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.
Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.
When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I'm going to have for dinner or I can't get through the day.
As you get older, as you become more sensitive, feel more, it becomes harder to make jokes. You censor yourself.
My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn't let him cut my nails.
The ability to absorb a book and make someone else's words and story your own was exactly was I was doing on stage.
And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody? You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.
Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn't know fluffy. Everything sank.
My mother's sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.
Performing is just standing up there and doing something. Performance takes on an edge to it. It has a more dramatic context.
Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
I'm only... I'm only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I'm a... I'm just screaming all over the place with joy.
There's a charm, there's a rhythm, there's a soul to Jewish humor. When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, 'You're doing a Jewish act.'
I always plan dinner first thing in the morning. That's the only way I can get through the day, having a specific meal to look forward to at night.
As life's pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that's better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.
Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up 'vaudeville' in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says 'Milton Berle' - and he made it just a tremendous party.
Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it's hard to turn away. Then, of course, you're hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
My wife is a very attractive woman, and she's always worried about her diet. But she doesn't pay attention to me, and I don't pay attention to her. She's a vegetarian, and it drives me crazy.
The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." The lawyer frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft."
My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady's handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: 'Don't end up like me.'
Right when I started in show... Milton Berle was my first idol. When I was a kid, I went to see Milton at Lowe's State, and I never laughed so much, and I said, 'That's who I want to be; that's what I want to be.'