Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm for Israel's right to exist.
My dad was a terrible businessman.
Google might be doping the horses.
Whining is anger through a small opening.
I've spent my entire career being a satirist.
I want a president who can handle a cream soda.
I'm from the Vietnam generation. I didn't serve.
My daughter became a teacher right out of college.
The Fourth Amendment doesn't apply to corporations.
Service dogs raise their masters' sense of well-being.
I hope you realize, in a democracy, laughter is assent.
I'm the New York Jew who actually grew up in Minnesota.
Gary Bauer is a very good - he's a good friend of mine.
We need to be pro-science; we have to go back to science.
Humor and seriousness are not in opposition to each other.
Let's keep the Internet weird. Let's keep the Internet free.
What you see on the campaign trail is me. It's easy being me.
It's easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world.
Well, I think that there's a value to comedy in and of itself.
If you look at terrorists, they really have no sense of humor.
I'm crushed by the responsibility of writing a satirical book.
I know I have an awful lot to learn from the people of Minnesota.
I can assure you, this is not about spying on the American people.
I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and dog-gone it, people like me.
I'm a perfectionist and if I start making changes, I'll never stop.
I wish I had spent more time at the office and less time in prison.
It's the Power of the Almighty, the Splendor of Nature, and then you.
I'm sure I've devoted enough thought to Rush Limbaugh for one lifetime.
Liberals like me love America. We just love America in a different way.
I do personal attacks only on people who specialize in personal attacks.
I get satisfaction when I write something I like, when I'm happy with it.
Let's not let the government sell us out. Let's fight for net neutrality.
Net neutrality has been in place since the very beginning of the Internet.
I got interested in politics during the civil rights movement and then Vietnam.
One thing I've noticed about politics is that these guys have pretty thick hides.
If I put myself on the ballot and even 50 people voted for me, it'd be a travesty.
I want to reclaim 'liberal.' I'm a liberal, and I think most Americans are liberals.
Apple has long been a leading innovator of mobile technology; I myself own an iPhone.
There's plenty of room for humor in politics, God knows, but it's a serious business.
I do have a self-censor; everybody does, or at least most who are not pathological do.
I think the government has a role in protecting the fundamental rights of its citizens.
No one is more sensitive to the issue of overeating than the creator of Stuart Smalley.
Anybody who deliberately propagandizes with lies should be held up to scorn and ridicule.
I couldn't think of anything less appealing than molding the minds of tomorrow's leaders.
I think that the default for collecting any kind of personal data should be opt-in consent.
I don't know what happens to you after you die. I'm not banking on there being, like, a heaven.
Progressives, in a way, are the new conservatives. We want to conserve what we fought to build.
My dad loved comedians, especially George Jessel, and he loved Henny Youngman and Buddy Hackett.
Minnesotans know the difference between the job of satirist and the job of senator. And so do I.
We need to prepare our kids for a 21st Century economy, and we're not doing it with our schools.