Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.
I don't burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world.
Screw guilt -- I could have sex with 10 men and it wouldn't bother me. I'm an atheist!
The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.
Maybe it's weird, but I don't feel in any way, shape or form that I'm taking over his show.
Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.
If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.
What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.
I don't have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.
I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself.
It's something I've always kicked around, not doing the eBook but the Rich Man, Poor Man thing.
Honestly, I've always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed - that kind of stuff.
The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.
If you're conservative in Hollywood, you're on a list of people who need to be put in their place.
Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.
Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.
That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?
I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.
The Aston Martin is a beautiful car. It's a work of art, I love the interior and the style of the car.
I'm a sort of nuts-and-bolts guy. I'm into turning wrenches and swinging a hammer and wrenching on cars.
You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.
Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.
The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.
I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.
No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader.
I think if you create something and you get an audience for it, then the monetization part is really secondary.
If you've driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it's like a golf course... Real estate values go 'boom!'
I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I've worked with women, I've never had an issue with women.
If you spend your life walking through somebody else's museum, you never find out whether you're Rembrandt or not.
When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!
I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.
All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.
Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.
California is like the hot blond high school chick who's been getting by on her looks, but now she's 45 and falling apart.
The thing about a good podcast is you have to have a good host. If you don't have a compelling host then you have nothing.
Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.
Everyone in Hollywood thinks like a Republican fiscally by leaving town to shoot everything; they just don't vote that way.
You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society.
When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that.
People look at me, and they go, 'You're white, you're smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.'
I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their feelings.
I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around.
Rich people don't pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes - they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn't pay taxes.
When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.
I swear my car won't run unless I'm picking my nose: At least, I'm that superstitious about it, so I don't want to take any chances.
When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds.
You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.
Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.
If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?
Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.