Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I was a horrible student.
Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!
I get depressed at airports.
Welfare is monetary methadone.
My first car was a motorcycle.
I'd never hurt another person.
Don’t do your best, do my best.
I am not a good cue card reader.
I'm a comedian, not a politician.
I'm not sexist, I'm just a realist.
I don't know anything about computers.
Figure out what to do, then take a nap.
My motto is "more mystery, less history".
I know everything because I know nothing.
I've always boxed, I always taught boxing.
The very definition of 'beauty' is outside.
It's like the Fouth of July in my underpants.
People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.
Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.
Life is just the time between crapping yourself.
I'm a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.
I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.
I've got a great eye for color. I'm like a chick.
There are certain things women are better at than men.
No one is depressed when they're being chased by a bear.
People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.
I used to be a Democrat, now I'm basically a Republican.
I don’t have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody.
I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody.
When you're doing a radio show, you can express yourself.
Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.
Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.
Lets not focus on saving a nickel... lets focus on making a buck.
People are stupid. There's a lot of dumb stuff that's successful.
My life is about building and working and wrenching on some cars.
I'm like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.
You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.
Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?
I have no connection with Hollywood. I'm not interested. I don't care.
It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.
Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do.
He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.
I didn't have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.
I don't normally vote. I'm lazy and I never bought into the every vote counts.
I could definitely see myself making a serious movie or a drama in the future.
When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.
I don't normally vote. I'm lazy and I never bought into the 'Every vote counts.'
Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.
I like radio and live performing stuff. I don't like the television stuff as much.